Tuesday, August 31, 2010

EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON

It's the one saying I truly hate. But, I have to say that it rings true for me. Especially now.

Dark days for me in these last few weeks. First, my childhood friend's mother dies suddently.

Next--I found out my best friend has breast cancer. Stage 3. I'm trying to keep it together, but I ask...WHY? WHY? I mean, she's 34 years old. Why? And, she has great boobs, I might add. She has to do chemo for the next six months. I'm crying just thinking about it. I wouldn't wish chemo on my worst enemy. I had to do it for my kidney issues a couple of years ago, but not to the cancer patient degree. I can't imagine anything worse. My heart is bleeding.

And, speaking of hearts...my heart is heavy right now. I've been stuck in Palm Desert for the last 12 days. I was supposed to be here for a fun weekend, which turned into a very scary time for me. My mom was rushed to the hospital and was admitted with respiratory failure. Turns out, she has pneumonia. There's nothing worse than seeing a parent on a breathing respirator...tube down the throat and all. Just awful. I sat there for 5 days while she was completely sedated...out cold.

Finally, she comes out of it, they take out the tube and then, we find out she had a heart attack. I'm thinking we're in the clear...nope. Turns out she has to have open heart surgery because 7 of her major arteries are blocked, at more than the 70% level. I'm not sure how much I can really handle. And, I'm freaked out at this point. Trying to stay positive, but I honestly do not know what I would do without her. I'm currently in the middle of transferring her over to USC medical center. With the help of some old friends, I have her in the care of one of the top cardiothorasic surgeons in the country. He actually was Gov Schwarzenegger's cadiac surgeon. Ironically, now that I think back...I just saw him when I was having lunch with my mom on my birthday a couple of weeks ago.

Anyway, that's where I'm at. But, I have to say....there is a reason why things happen and I'm not sure why. But, after I have heard the "everything happens for a reason" phrase repeatedly over this past year...I realize...thank goodness that I am in California and NOT in NYC. I would just die if all of this happened while I was 3000 miles away. I would definitely quit my job. I would do just about anything for my family and with this going on...I would just never forgive myself if I had to go back to NYC. So...my NYC plans are on hold for now...temporarily.

The timing of all of this is very weird, especially considering that I have been in serious talks with Peacock Productions in NYC. It would be my dream job. But for some reason...fate is making me stay here in LA for now. And, I'm not about to test fate.

So, all I can do is stay positive, and hope for the best right now.
I guess maybe everything DOES happen for a reason.

I'm starting to accept that.

Monday, August 30, 2010

ANGRY LOVIN'

Just recently had a big 36th birthday bash and it was great! But it got me thinking about my love life. Have no idea why, but it did.

And, it makes me angry. Not angry at the guy that just broke my heart in a million pieces this year. But, angry at myself that I let it happen and play out the way it did. I know I'm stronger than that. Clearly, I was blinded by love. Or, at least what I thought was love.

I really liked this guy pretty much from the day that I met him. I have liked him for the entire 3 years I've known him. And, somewhere along the way, I fell in love (and, subsequently, did a lot of stupid things). I would have pretty much done anything for this man. It's rare that I fall this hard. And, it turns out it was one-sided all the way. I'm not sure I ever want to feel this way ever again.

This year, he told me that he didn't love me the way I loved him. He said that we just had too much in common. Really?! Personally (and, I'm sure most people would agree)...I hope to find someone that I share interests and values with. It's the fundamental common values that are important in building a strong family bond. He was so scared that I was in love with him. And, I flat out...sitting on a NYC stoop...told him that I wasn't in love with him. I lied. I still love him.

Trust me, I have cried about this all year,until now. Now, I'm just angry at the way I allowed him to treat me. And, all of it goes back to one thing: HURT. And, it's my fault. I let that happen.

Examples:
-He was intimate with me, but telling my friends within earshot that he just hasn't met the woman whom he wants as the mother of his children.
-He moves to NYC right after I moved back from there. It's the city I just wasn't ready to leave. The same city he said he would never live in. So, why did he do it?
-He treats my friends well. He takes them out. He calls me to tell them he's taking them out. He pays for them. Yes, seemingly nice. So, what happens when I come to town? Well, he barely wants to hang out and he stiffs me with a $150 bill.
-He shows off his new girlfriend to my friends. No great reviews from them, but that's not the point. I hear all about her from them. But, I talk to him hundreds of times in between and there's no mention of her. I say: omission is the same thing as lying.
-He says he wants me to meet the new girlfriend. What the hell for? He says she's jealous of me. One word comes to mind: why? Don't make me feel like the bad guy here.

And, I don't just think he's hurting me. He's hurting women in general. Somebody must have really f'ed him up in the past. I don't know what he's telling this new chick to make her "jealous" of me. But, it's just mean...to her. And, he's sitting there telling me that inviting her back to his hometown with her 2 year old kid is going to be a test. What kind of man would say that? I'm sure she would be thrilled to know she was being tested. Don't get me wrong...she's no dummy. She knows that she needs to find a daddy for her kid. So, she's going to power it out. He's not a bad guy per se. Maybe just doesn't know better. But, all of these actions just seem pretty shallow. I wonder how he graded that "test."

The best part, I think is that he thinks he really knows me. But, when he told me a short while ago that I'm the girl who likes to stay at hotels like the Four Seasons...I just had to laugh. This guy doesn't know the first thing about me! I've never even thought to stay at a Four Seasons hotel. Honestly, I wouldn't waste the money. If fact, the only time I ever stayed at a posh hotel like that was with him! And, it wasn't even my idea. Lesson learned: some people will just never want to get to know who you really are.

While I sat here loving him. He just ended up hurting me. I am stupid. I feel used. Love is stupid, I guess. But, I will not allow him to hurt me or use me any longer. Besides, I have a lot more important things to worry about right now anyway. It's funny how sometimes your life gets turned upside down and it just makes everything else so much more clear in your mind.

So, I'm angry yes. And, what did I do except for love him unconditionally? Nothing. I did nothing wrong. And, I'm just now realizing I'm not the one with the problem. So, while I may be angry...it's not at him. It's more at my weakness. I still love him. I will always love him. But, I must say...it has helped me figure out what I DO and DON'T want in a partner.

So, now...focusing on much more important matters at hand.