HEADING TO THE BIG APPLE

2 days and I'll be back in NYC.

Just for a vacation. 5 days of craziness and fun and reunions with all of my friends. It will be the first time since October and I'm actually really looking forward to it. I have a lot planned and it will be just like old times, sort of.

The point is...lately, I've been thinking a lot about moving back to the city. It's been a train wreck for me here in LA thus far, so understandably I've been down in the dumps. There are so many things factoring in to how I've been feeling. I can't even get into it. And I have to say thank you to all of my friends here...they have been beyond amazing. I'm really not sure what I would do without them.

Last week, I met up with an old friend. That friend and I had a serious heart-to-heart. And, the talk got me thinking. The conversation went something like this. "What do you really want to do?" "I'm not sure. I feel like I'm all over the place right now." "Well, think about what you really want to do and focus. Focus on that one thing and it will happen for you."

Focus. That's just it. I lost my focus. I was all over the place because I lost my direction. I know what I want to do. And I KNOW what I'm good at. I'm a writer. That's what I've been doing for the last 8 years. It's what I've been paid to do and it's what I love. And, I'm not just any old writer. I write for TV and I love it. I've always loved it. And, I lost focus of that.

I remember when I first moved out to NYC, I wanted to write. So, I took these awful jobs (in New Jersey!) in the TV/news biz, just so that I could finally get to do what I've always wanted to do. I moved around shows so that I would get a chance to write. And, guess what? 2 years after working my booty off...I was finally writing for a show. Then, I was hired at Fox as a "writer"! My dream job! I worked so hard to get to that point. So, for 2 years, I had a great job, great hours and great pay doing exactly what I wanted to do. The show got cancelled...it was politics season, but I was still writing. Then, I got an even better job...head writer! The problem? Bad hours. I had some health issues to deal with at that point. Had I worked myself so deep in the ground, I thought? It's like...I got what I wanted and then, I had to deal with a lot of problems along the way. And, somewhere in the middle of all the chaos...I lost my focus. I was thinking about my health. I was thinking about a boy. I was thinking about everything BUT what I should have been thinking about. I was so distracted and I threw in the towel and moved back west.

I can't look back now. I did what I did. And, that's done. You can't take back your actions. I know. I can only learn from what I did, even if it may have been a mistake. Hard to say at this point if it was a mistake or not. I think it was...but, a certain important someone just reminded me this morning that it wasn't necessarily a mistake. So, maybe it wasn't. I don't know yet how I feel about that. What I do know is that I can't really beat myself up over it. True M. I agree with you.

I've been thinking a lot recently. It's like ever since I got back from NYC. I've been distracted by things that I shouldn't be distracted by and I'm finally trying to get back on track. Here's how I see it. I have a job that pays the bills for now. I have a passion...that's the writing thing. I'm trying to mix the passion with my job. I already had that once, and that's why I'm beating myself up over it. But, without looking back, I know I can do it again. And then, there's my dream. My winery. I would love to do that while pursuing my passion on the side. But, that will take some time. I know.

For now, 2 steps back, 1 step forward. Working on that one step forward again...and I know I need to just focus. It doesn't matter whether I'm in NYC or LA or DC or wherever. I know that I just need to pursue my passion. And THAT is what will make me happy. A city won't make me happy or unhappy. (Although, knowing me...I won't move to a tiny town. I'm a city girl...so, that's where I plan to be). And, while I don't necessarily want to move back to NYC, I'm keeping that door open. Whatever will get me back to my passion. If I can find it here in LA, then so be it. If I can find it in DC, then that's where I'll go. But, I need to focus on the what rather than the where. And FOCUS is the key.

For now though, I'm laying low. Keeping the focus and giving LA a chance for a short while. It's a great place to be and I'm lucky to be here. And, I don't have to worrry about the rat race. But, if it's better for me to be back in that race, that's where I'll have to go. The options are open for me. I just need to keep my eye on the prize, so to speak. And hopefully, pursuing my passion is part of that prize.

Let's hope.

For now...I'm going to enjoy Manhattan, without having to worry about going to work and running from point A to point B. I am going to have fun. Determined to have fun without any responsibilities. Living for the moment. My purpose this weekend is to have fun! And that's the short-term plan.