WHY, WHY, WHY...

It's the mantra that only my nyc colleague SW understands. That frustration that leads to the question...why?

I'm frustrated. I'm confused and I'm just not sure why. I have 2 interviews coming up. And guess what? They're both on the east coast. It's what I've been wanting this entire time that I've been living here...to get back to NYC or nearby. The problem though: I'm just not sure I want to go back.

I mean, I don't have to make any decisions yet. And, actually...there are no decisions to be made right now. I don't have a job yet. So, it's not worth talking about, right? But...it is. What if I DO get a job out there again? Is it worth my while to go? Right now, it's November and it's 95 degrees and sunny outside. I'm wearing flip flops and a tank. I love my apartment. It's beautiful and it's 950 square feet of space...ALL TO MYSELF! While I hate my job, would it be so bad to stay in this great city? Plus, there's the whole mom factor. She's independent enough. But I worry. Although, I must remember...that there is nothing I can do if something goes wrong. We had a scare and she's fine now. For now. And, there's MR nearby. But, not near enough for me to visit all the time. So, not sure if that would make a difference either way.

And then, there's him. Yes, that same him. I just don't know why. Why, why, why I'm still thinking about him. And, a lot more than usual. It's literally driving me nuts. Everything reminds me of him lately. For example, someone mentions Hawaii and I think of him. I get an email from this place and it's the place he did that cooking class I bought him. I'm literally calling Brooklyn every day for the boss. And, it just makes me more and more mad. Especially the Brooklyn thing, considering I just literally told him that if I ever moved back to NY, I would move to Brooklyn. And, guess what? HE moves to Brooklyn. It is killing me.

And, I just keep thinking about how used I feel. Yes, I got something out of it too. But, I just feel like...how the hell could he have led me on so badly? Maybe I'm just mad because he's never been honest. I don't think he knows how to be honest. And, I keep thinking about her too. That hippie actress he's dating. So, cliche. I know. At least I don't think of her ugly mug that often. I know...I sound bitter. And, I am. I admit it. And, looks don't matter of course. And, I don't really have a beef with her. I could care less about her. But...come on...could he be that dumb? We all know she's going to get herself knocked up "accidentally". And yes, AK...we all know that "accidents" don't really happen. Could he really be THAT naive?

But, I'm pissed. He has literally RUINED NYC for me. I mean, I want to move back. But,I don't want to be anywhere near him right now. I feel so hurt. Used. And, I've realized he's not the friend I thought he was. You know how they say you realize who your friends are when you really need them. Well, NOW I know who they are. And let's just say...he ain't it. He's too self-absorbed to notice anyone around him, I guess. I've always known that in a way.

Back to my dilemma: if the right opportunity comes up...will it have to be a decision about something else that's literally going to MAKE my decision?

Again, I ask...why why why?

I'm trying here. I'm trying to get a great job. I'm trying to make a great life for myself. I'm trying to figure this all out. And, I'm sorry that I'm always ranting on here. But, I'm so anal and THIS is the only place that I can really let go. In my writing. It's the one place I can unleash. Where I can let loose.

Maybe I'm not angry at him. In fact, that would be giving him too much credit. I'm mad at me...that I can't get it together. That I moved back because I as stupid. That I didn't think when I did it. I'm smart. I'm motivated. I'm driven. I love. I feel. I'm trying to make it happen. I just want to be happy. That's all. Is it too much to ask?

I told MR today that I just wish something would drop into my lap. Something that would SCREAM...this is it! Maybe I should watch out for what I wish. I've had a lot of wishes in the last year. They came true...in the short term...not the long-term.

I still love NYC and if the right opportunity came up...I wouldn't think twice. But, I'm seriously going to consider my other options.

LA just isn't looking bad to me anymore...at least, not the way it used to.