I MISS NYC...

THERE! I said it. Fine, I admit it.

I just got back from my jaunt back east and yes, it was hectic. Just how it should be. NYC style.

Do I want to move back? Not necessarily.

Will I have to? Quite possibly. Will I regret it? Maybe yes, maybe no.

I was sitting at the airport bar and this guy sits down next to me. Antsy, nervous, dressed in a suit..typical workaholic New Yorker. (I can say that because I'm an ex- workaholic New Yorker). I ask him if he's heading home. Yes, he says. He's had a hectic week working some fashion event. Apparently, his family owns a brand of jeans and he's the marketing director. "What about you?" he asks. I tell him my story and he says, "I figured you live in Cali...you look happy. Not miserable like us." I look happy? Really? I haven't exactly been feeling so happy. I'm not miserable, but 'happy' would be a stretch. Next thing I know, he's introducing me to all of his friends and colleagues. Some guy on the plane says, "Hey, are you Olga? Nathan told us all about you!" Did I get his numba? No. NO? No. I know.

First stop off the plane? Blue Ribbon! Oysters, steak tartare, some bubbly and NP. Could not have been a better night!

Then, the rat race set in. Visits with friends and new babies, walks in the park, doctor's appointments, run-ins with old co-workers, meet-ups all over town, MOMA and Neue Gallery, and friends congregating from places near and far in NYC. I felt like I never left. My landlord said hi to me like I still live in the building. My bathroom amenities are still all lined up in the same spot underneath the sink. And, the best part was I slept in my old room. Just like old times. Except...I DID leave. Now what?

For 6 days, I was living the life I would like to live in NYC. But, it's just not realistic. I mean, sure, JS is living this fab life for a few months there in NYC. It's the way that I would want to do it if I could. And, he's one of the few lucky ones. How great would it be if I could live downtown in a phat apartment with a view? I think about how nice it would be once again to sit at my favorite restaurants with my favorite people and then, top off the night at the coziest wine bar in the the Village. Sure. I could have that again. And eventually, I could even get that apartment. But, I would have to bust my buns to get what I want. New York is about really hard work and then, partying like a rock star as a reward. That's just how it is. And, it's exhausting. After that, there just isn't a whole of time to enjoy what NYC has to offer. So, if I can't live life in the fab lane in Manhattan, I would rather just come and visit and enjoy it for what it is.

But, circumstance is going to dictate what happens next. I have to think about my career and my future. And, if that means I have to move back to be able to make a living, then so be it. I'm not going to cry about it. I just know what to expect. And that's a lot of hard work. If I had a choice, I'm not sure what I would do. But, circumstance will be the driving force for what's best for me.

Earlier, I said that I wasn't necessarily happy. But really, I'm content. I'm relaxed. And, I know that California has done me good, so to speak. I needed the break. I realize that now. But now, it's just about that time to start busting a move again.

Another thing I have to admit...NYC brings out a lot of emotions in me. I had the best of times there and the worst of times. I've left behind some of my best friends. And this trip really brought it home. In those six days, I felt excitement, disappointment, joy, exhaustion, confusion, innocence, sadness, animosity and love. It was a mish-mash of complicated internal struggles dealing with my career, my friendships and my relationship with this city.

In the end, it was bittersweet. There I was...standing in the middle of the street, saying goodbye to N and J and crying...crying because I wished I could just stay there with them and live my life. But, not my old life.

The city had knocked me down and I still loved it. I felt defeated.

I still feel defeated. I still love it.

One thing is for certain. If I do end up coming back, I won't be patching up the wounds. I'm determined to come back and start a brand new relationship with the Big Apple. One, that won't ever allow me to feel defeated again.

HEADING TO THE BIG APPLE

2 days and I'll be back in NYC.

Just for a vacation. 5 days of craziness and fun and reunions with all of my friends. It will be the first time since October and I'm actually really looking forward to it. I have a lot planned and it will be just like old times, sort of.

The point is...lately, I've been thinking a lot about moving back to the city. It's been a train wreck for me here in LA thus far, so understandably I've been down in the dumps. There are so many things factoring in to how I've been feeling. I can't even get into it. And I have to say thank you to all of my friends here...they have been beyond amazing. I'm really not sure what I would do without them.

Last week, I met up with an old friend. That friend and I had a serious heart-to-heart. And, the talk got me thinking. The conversation went something like this. "What do you really want to do?" "I'm not sure. I feel like I'm all over the place right now." "Well, think about what you really want to do and focus. Focus on that one thing and it will happen for you."

Focus. That's just it. I lost my focus. I was all over the place because I lost my direction. I know what I want to do. And I KNOW what I'm good at. I'm a writer. That's what I've been doing for the last 8 years. It's what I've been paid to do and it's what I love. And, I'm not just any old writer. I write for TV and I love it. I've always loved it. And, I lost focus of that.

I remember when I first moved out to NYC, I wanted to write. So, I took these awful jobs (in New Jersey!) in the TV/news biz, just so that I could finally get to do what I've always wanted to do. I moved around shows so that I would get a chance to write. And, guess what? 2 years after working my booty off...I was finally writing for a show. Then, I was hired at Fox as a "writer"! My dream job! I worked so hard to get to that point. So, for 2 years, I had a great job, great hours and great pay doing exactly what I wanted to do. The show got cancelled...it was politics season, but I was still writing. Then, I got an even better job...head writer! The problem? Bad hours. I had some health issues to deal with at that point. Had I worked myself so deep in the ground, I thought? It's like...I got what I wanted and then, I had to deal with a lot of problems along the way. And, somewhere in the middle of all the chaos...I lost my focus. I was thinking about my health. I was thinking about a boy. I was thinking about everything BUT what I should have been thinking about. I was so distracted and I threw in the towel and moved back west.

I can't look back now. I did what I did. And, that's done. You can't take back your actions. I know. I can only learn from what I did, even if it may have been a mistake. Hard to say at this point if it was a mistake or not. I think it was...but, a certain important someone just reminded me this morning that it wasn't necessarily a mistake. So, maybe it wasn't. I don't know yet how I feel about that. What I do know is that I can't really beat myself up over it. True M. I agree with you.

I've been thinking a lot recently. It's like ever since I got back from NYC. I've been distracted by things that I shouldn't be distracted by and I'm finally trying to get back on track. Here's how I see it. I have a job that pays the bills for now. I have a passion...that's the writing thing. I'm trying to mix the passion with my job. I already had that once, and that's why I'm beating myself up over it. But, without looking back, I know I can do it again. And then, there's my dream. My winery. I would love to do that while pursuing my passion on the side. But, that will take some time. I know.

For now, 2 steps back, 1 step forward. Working on that one step forward again...and I know I need to just focus. It doesn't matter whether I'm in NYC or LA or DC or wherever. I know that I just need to pursue my passion. And THAT is what will make me happy. A city won't make me happy or unhappy. (Although, knowing me...I won't move to a tiny town. I'm a city girl...so, that's where I plan to be). And, while I don't necessarily want to move back to NYC, I'm keeping that door open. Whatever will get me back to my passion. If I can find it here in LA, then so be it. If I can find it in DC, then that's where I'll go. But, I need to focus on the what rather than the where. And FOCUS is the key.

For now though, I'm laying low. Keeping the focus and giving LA a chance for a short while. It's a great place to be and I'm lucky to be here. And, I don't have to worrry about the rat race. But, if it's better for me to be back in that race, that's where I'll have to go. The options are open for me. I just need to keep my eye on the prize, so to speak. And hopefully, pursuing my passion is part of that prize.

Let's hope.

For now...I'm going to enjoy Manhattan, without having to worry about going to work and running from point A to point B. I am going to have fun. Determined to have fun without any responsibilities. Living for the moment. My purpose this weekend is to have fun! And that's the short-term plan.