What a surprise! Yes, I'm thinking about NYC again. And, that's only because I really need a job. A REAL job. This week got me thinking. Yes, I have a master's degree and 2 undergraduate degrees. Yes, I am sitting here buying toys for rabbits. Where did it all go so wrong?
It's not the only reason I'm thinking about NYC. I was planning to go out there next month...as a sort of pre-trip to my vacation. Just a couple of days to meet up with some good friends who are swinging through for work and a little bit of play. The usual. My old, fun crew. But, this time around, I will not be there to entertain. And, it kind of irks me.
My best friends will be there. My close friends from out of town will be there (and, I hardly ever see them because they live across the pond). Also likely there: that guy from previous posts. Yes, the same one. And, that is fine. But, I have no desire to meet his new flavor of the month, so to speak.
That's right. I have no desire to meet the new flavor. Ever. From what I've heard, she's just some plain jane strange "character." Nothing to be jealous about from what I can tell. But, I just don't want it all dangled in front of my face. There's no need. Really. Why would I want to meet the chick who he says, is "jealous" of me? And truthfully, I'm just not that "big" to be able to face the situation head-on. Hey, I'm only human.
What makes me mad is that SHE is the stranger in the bunch. Why do I have to be the one tortured though? (Although, my friends will likely be the ones tortured, since they are loyal to me. Sorry guys!) Everyone will be all nicey, nicey. But, I'm sure they could care less about her. And, they're not exactly keen on my former flame either given his behavior toward me this year. Understandable, considering it has been appalling. I wouldn't want to get stiffed with another $150 bill now, would I?
"Did you fall in love with a dumb blonde?" That's the question I was asked by a friend this week. Ahem, yes...well...not sure how to answer that one. Well...he says one thing and does something else. He keeps telling me he loves California, misses California and doesn't want to leave and then, keeps going back to NY. And, surfing on the east coast? Well yes...his actions are a bit ass-backwards. What he says and what he does, just don't jive. They never have.
So, I'm mad. Yes. Well, more SAD that I will not be able to see my foreign friends. But, at least I'll be back in NYC soon enough. A few days in December and a few days in January...maybe longer...
And, perhaps I will be able to see them when I cross the pond...very soon.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Monday, October 11, 2010
I JUST THREW UP A LITTLE BIT IN MY MOUTH
If you know me well...you know what made me sick today.
I am disgusted.
I have a very short list of people who disgust me and today, one more person was added to that list.
This is someone who has zero tact.
This is someone who is self absorbed.
This person is insensitive.
This person is most definitely not the person I thought they were. (This is the second time I'm realizing this by the way.) Not a good person at all. Well...maybe just not smart.
Just another person that makes me realize what a horrible judge of character I really am.
I am disgusted.
I have a very short list of people who disgust me and today, one more person was added to that list.
This is someone who has zero tact.
This is someone who is self absorbed.
This person is insensitive.
This person is most definitely not the person I thought they were. (This is the second time I'm realizing this by the way.) Not a good person at all. Well...maybe just not smart.
Just another person that makes me realize what a horrible judge of character I really am.
LIFE IS LIKE A BOX OF CHOCOLATES
So, things on the "mom front" are getting much better and I couldn't be happier about it. My life, on the other hand, is (sigh) hectic, to say the least. I think I'm due for a break. Well, I can only hope.
My days have gone something like this for the last several months:
-Wake up 2 hours earlier than normal and get myself together for work
-Wake up mom
-Help her shower and get changed if she needs help
-Help with her hair and makeup
-Take her glucose, blood pressure, heart rate, temperature and weight
-Make her breaksfast and make sure she's taking all the right pills (yes, I'm an expert at this, considering I once was on that plethora o' pills track)
-Organize the calendar for the day/week (ie, who's coming over, etc)
-Drive to work about 1 hour
-Work all day
-Come to mom's and cook, clean, cook for the next day and the next week, laundry, trash, water garden, etc.
-Try to squeeze in my personal stuff
-Do her bills and return messages
-All of the night routines for mom (pills and vitals, etc)
-Crash hard and do it all over again
This week though...things are changing. I am finally...for the first time since August 19, returning back to my apartment. And, don't get me wrong...the rituals are getting easier as I get used to them. I'm a supreme multi-tasker at this point.
I am scared to leave her, but I need to focus on me too.
In the middle of all of this mess, I've been so fatigued that I can barely keep my eyes open. I am starting to feel like my doctor is a vampire because she's literally sucking the blood out of me every week for the last 2 weeks, with the suggestion that I may have some thyroid issue. Perfect. Just what I need. Another health issue.
That brings me to another big problem. Health insurance. Mine runs out on February 1st. And I've been rejected already by 3 different insurance companies here in California because of my pre-existing kidney condition. So, here are my choices:
1) find a job asap that provides health insurance (easier said than done)
2) move back to nyc and get insurance through the freelancers union
3) apply for a government program that may or may not accept me...and fork over a fortune just to apply for a "high risk" group insurance
4) give up my insurance
Well, considering I've gone to the doctor already 5 times in 2 weeks, I think option #4 is NOT an option. Double sigh. But, this is a fixable problem and I'm going to find a way to fix it.
In my "spare" time, I'm trying to remodel and clean up my mother's house. Imagine trying to get rid of 40 years of junk. I'm finding deeds, old photos, thousands of slides (yes, thanks to my photographer dad), bills dating back to the 1960s and tons of other stuff. The family came into town to help me this weekend, because it's an overwhelming task for one person. How is it possible that first, my father left us in huge debt when he died and secondly, that my mom let the house and junk get to this point? I'm just not sure I can handle it all and see it through to the end all by myself. Too much. To be continued...
Well, at least she has a brand new TV, DVD player and kitchen. It's about time.
And then, there's MR with the cancer. She lost it this weekend and I lost it too. I don't know if it was the bald head. I don't know if she finally just showed her first sign of weakness. I don't know what it was. But, it was hard. I feel like when she's strong..I can be stronger to help support her. She is trying to stay positive...but, obviously...it's tough. Well, when she starts doing chemo once a week in December, I'm heading north for a couple of weekends to help her out. NS is awesome, but I think the poor guy needs a little break. I know what it's like to have emotional overload and no time. Plus, I'm happy to do, if I can squeeze out more energy out of me.
Just trying to hang in there as best as I can. I've just about hit my emotional, mental and physical limit. I think that means it's time to start thinking about myself and taking care of me. But, I'll still always put others before myself.
My days have gone something like this for the last several months:
-Wake up 2 hours earlier than normal and get myself together for work
-Wake up mom
-Help her shower and get changed if she needs help
-Help with her hair and makeup
-Take her glucose, blood pressure, heart rate, temperature and weight
-Make her breaksfast and make sure she's taking all the right pills (yes, I'm an expert at this, considering I once was on that plethora o' pills track)
-Organize the calendar for the day/week (ie, who's coming over, etc)
-Drive to work about 1 hour
-Work all day
-Come to mom's and cook, clean, cook for the next day and the next week, laundry, trash, water garden, etc.
-Try to squeeze in my personal stuff
-Do her bills and return messages
-All of the night routines for mom (pills and vitals, etc)
-Crash hard and do it all over again
This week though...things are changing. I am finally...for the first time since August 19, returning back to my apartment. And, don't get me wrong...the rituals are getting easier as I get used to them. I'm a supreme multi-tasker at this point.
I am scared to leave her, but I need to focus on me too.
In the middle of all of this mess, I've been so fatigued that I can barely keep my eyes open. I am starting to feel like my doctor is a vampire because she's literally sucking the blood out of me every week for the last 2 weeks, with the suggestion that I may have some thyroid issue. Perfect. Just what I need. Another health issue.
That brings me to another big problem. Health insurance. Mine runs out on February 1st. And I've been rejected already by 3 different insurance companies here in California because of my pre-existing kidney condition. So, here are my choices:
1) find a job asap that provides health insurance (easier said than done)
2) move back to nyc and get insurance through the freelancers union
3) apply for a government program that may or may not accept me...and fork over a fortune just to apply for a "high risk" group insurance
4) give up my insurance
Well, considering I've gone to the doctor already 5 times in 2 weeks, I think option #4 is NOT an option. Double sigh. But, this is a fixable problem and I'm going to find a way to fix it.
In my "spare" time, I'm trying to remodel and clean up my mother's house. Imagine trying to get rid of 40 years of junk. I'm finding deeds, old photos, thousands of slides (yes, thanks to my photographer dad), bills dating back to the 1960s and tons of other stuff. The family came into town to help me this weekend, because it's an overwhelming task for one person. How is it possible that first, my father left us in huge debt when he died and secondly, that my mom let the house and junk get to this point? I'm just not sure I can handle it all and see it through to the end all by myself. Too much. To be continued...
Well, at least she has a brand new TV, DVD player and kitchen. It's about time.
And then, there's MR with the cancer. She lost it this weekend and I lost it too. I don't know if it was the bald head. I don't know if she finally just showed her first sign of weakness. I don't know what it was. But, it was hard. I feel like when she's strong..I can be stronger to help support her. She is trying to stay positive...but, obviously...it's tough. Well, when she starts doing chemo once a week in December, I'm heading north for a couple of weekends to help her out. NS is awesome, but I think the poor guy needs a little break. I know what it's like to have emotional overload and no time. Plus, I'm happy to do, if I can squeeze out more energy out of me.
Just trying to hang in there as best as I can. I've just about hit my emotional, mental and physical limit. I think that means it's time to start thinking about myself and taking care of me. But, I'll still always put others before myself.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
CLEARLY…I AM MISUNDERSTOOD…
During this whole “crisis” in my life, I’ve just been doing what I have to do. You don’t think. You just do. It’s something I would do for anyone whom I truly love. But, for some reason, people are looking at me wide-eyed. Surprised about me, I suppose. Which leads me to a very important question?
Why am I so misunderstood?
My uncle is so “impressed” with my take-charge attitude during this very stressful period. Is he so shocked that I know how to do anything? And, a friend of my mother’s told me over the hospital bed -- while my mom had tubes coming out of her from every which way -- that I am not a practical person. What defines “practical” exactly?
I mean…everyone around me is just sitting around dumbfounded and asking me…”what are you going to do?” “How can I help?” But, they’re just sitting around. Stressing out, I guess. Not actually DOING anything. So, of course I’m going to DO something. I’m not helpless.
This all made me think. What kind of impression am I actually giving off to people? It’s clear that many people just don’t get who I am. In fact, I can probably just count on one hand people who really understand me. And, that doesn’t even include my family. I told that same friend of my mother’s that I think people see me as someone who I am not. And, she said… ”Well, you’re blonde. You’re pretty. You like to have fun and go party and travel.” And, I said: “SO???” I mean, what is your point? That everyone thinks I’m a dumb bimbo? I guess so.
Even a longtime friend of mine said to me not long ago…”well, I just don’t see you doing hard news. I think you’re much more the entertainment type.” Really? I couldn’t care less about the latest Lindsay Lohan fiasco or other Hollywood starlet debacle. For the last 8 years, I’ve only covered politics and breaking news. It’s all I know and it’s really what I care about.
To be completely honest, I don’t really care what people think of me. But, I am wondering why it is that I’m giving off some weird impression of myself. Obviously, people think that I’m an airhead. Maybe, that I don’t have any depth. It just goes to show you that people just don’t really know me. And maybe I don’t actually let people really get to know me.
Well, let me tell you something. There IS a lot of stuff people don’t know about me. And, just to scratch the surface… I bet they don’t know that I moved back home to help take care of my dad for a year before he died. I bet they don’t know that I got scholarships to colleges like Berkley and some other California schools. I bet they don’t know that I busted my ass to get 2 degrees and worked 3 jobs just to make ends meet in college. I bet they don’t know that I help my mom pay her bills. I bet they don’t know that I got 2 scholarships for grad school. I bet they don't know that I turn off the water in the shower when I'm conditioning my hair becuase I'm trying to save water. I bet they don’t know that I got a pretty decent stipend for my abroad program in grad school. I bet they don’t know that I write thank you notes for every single solitary present I get from someone. I bet they don’t know that I’ve only been in love twice. Again…that’s just scratching the surface.
And, it’s not that I’m one way in public and different in private. I’m a realist. I say it how it is. A true New Yorker in that sense. There was never a person who said I was fake. That’s definitely not the vibe I’m giving off. I think it’s just all about perception.
I guess I shouldn’t be so surprised then, that the guy from a few posts ago, never really got to know me, or that he even wanted to get to know me. THIS is a fact. He probably, like everyone else, assumed I am one way rather than really digging deep to get to know me. And, truthfully, I may not have been my true self around him. That’s only because I really liked him. Still do. Love him, that is. For pete’s sake, I STILL get butterflies when we talk. But, that’s another story altogether.
Bottom line: I am misunderstood. And, maybe I always will be. I guess that’s ok. It’s just something I never figured out until now.
Why am I so misunderstood?
My uncle is so “impressed” with my take-charge attitude during this very stressful period. Is he so shocked that I know how to do anything? And, a friend of my mother’s told me over the hospital bed -- while my mom had tubes coming out of her from every which way -- that I am not a practical person. What defines “practical” exactly?
I mean…everyone around me is just sitting around dumbfounded and asking me…”what are you going to do?” “How can I help?” But, they’re just sitting around. Stressing out, I guess. Not actually DOING anything. So, of course I’m going to DO something. I’m not helpless.
This all made me think. What kind of impression am I actually giving off to people? It’s clear that many people just don’t get who I am. In fact, I can probably just count on one hand people who really understand me. And, that doesn’t even include my family. I told that same friend of my mother’s that I think people see me as someone who I am not. And, she said… ”Well, you’re blonde. You’re pretty. You like to have fun and go party and travel.” And, I said: “SO???” I mean, what is your point? That everyone thinks I’m a dumb bimbo? I guess so.
Even a longtime friend of mine said to me not long ago…”well, I just don’t see you doing hard news. I think you’re much more the entertainment type.” Really? I couldn’t care less about the latest Lindsay Lohan fiasco or other Hollywood starlet debacle. For the last 8 years, I’ve only covered politics and breaking news. It’s all I know and it’s really what I care about.
To be completely honest, I don’t really care what people think of me. But, I am wondering why it is that I’m giving off some weird impression of myself. Obviously, people think that I’m an airhead. Maybe, that I don’t have any depth. It just goes to show you that people just don’t really know me. And maybe I don’t actually let people really get to know me.
Well, let me tell you something. There IS a lot of stuff people don’t know about me. And, just to scratch the surface… I bet they don’t know that I moved back home to help take care of my dad for a year before he died. I bet they don’t know that I got scholarships to colleges like Berkley and some other California schools. I bet they don’t know that I busted my ass to get 2 degrees and worked 3 jobs just to make ends meet in college. I bet they don’t know that I help my mom pay her bills. I bet they don’t know that I got 2 scholarships for grad school. I bet they don't know that I turn off the water in the shower when I'm conditioning my hair becuase I'm trying to save water. I bet they don’t know that I got a pretty decent stipend for my abroad program in grad school. I bet they don’t know that I write thank you notes for every single solitary present I get from someone. I bet they don’t know that I’ve only been in love twice. Again…that’s just scratching the surface.
And, it’s not that I’m one way in public and different in private. I’m a realist. I say it how it is. A true New Yorker in that sense. There was never a person who said I was fake. That’s definitely not the vibe I’m giving off. I think it’s just all about perception.
I guess I shouldn’t be so surprised then, that the guy from a few posts ago, never really got to know me, or that he even wanted to get to know me. THIS is a fact. He probably, like everyone else, assumed I am one way rather than really digging deep to get to know me. And, truthfully, I may not have been my true self around him. That’s only because I really liked him. Still do. Love him, that is. For pete’s sake, I STILL get butterflies when we talk. But, that’s another story altogether.
Bottom line: I am misunderstood. And, maybe I always will be. I guess that’s ok. It’s just something I never figured out until now.
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