Tuesday, April 27, 2010

I MISS NYC...

THERE! I said it. Fine, I admit it.

I just got back from my jaunt back east and yes, it was hectic. Just how it should be. NYC style.

Do I want to move back? Not necessarily.

Will I have to? Quite possibly. Will I regret it? Maybe yes, maybe no.

I was sitting at the airport bar and this guy sits down next to me. Antsy, nervous, dressed in a suit..typical workaholic New Yorker. (I can say that because I'm an ex- workaholic New Yorker). I ask him if he's heading home. Yes, he says. He's had a hectic week working some fashion event. Apparently, his family owns a brand of jeans and he's the marketing director. "What about you?" he asks. I tell him my story and he says, "I figured you live in Cali...you look happy. Not miserable like us." I look happy? Really? I haven't exactly been feeling so happy. I'm not miserable, but 'happy' would be a stretch. Next thing I know, he's introducing me to all of his friends and colleagues. Some guy on the plane says, "Hey, are you Olga? Nathan told us all about you!" Did I get his numba? No. NO? No. I know.

First stop off the plane? Blue Ribbon! Oysters, steak tartare, some bubbly and NP. Could not have been a better night!

Then, the rat race set in. Visits with friends and new babies, walks in the park, doctor's appointments, run-ins with old co-workers, meet-ups all over town, MOMA and Neue Gallery, and friends congregating from places near and far in NYC. I felt like I never left. My landlord said hi to me like I still live in the building. My bathroom amenities are still all lined up in the same spot underneath the sink. And, the best part was I slept in my old room. Just like old times. Except...I DID leave. Now what?

For 6 days, I was living the life I would like to live in NYC. But, it's just not realistic. I mean, sure, JS is living this fab life for a few months there in NYC. It's the way that I would want to do it if I could. And, he's one of the few lucky ones. How great would it be if I could live downtown in a phat apartment with a view? I think about how nice it would be once again to sit at my favorite restaurants with my favorite people and then, top off the night at the coziest wine bar in the the Village. Sure. I could have that again. And eventually, I could even get that apartment. But, I would have to bust my buns to get what I want. New York is about really hard work and then, partying like a rock star as a reward. That's just how it is. And, it's exhausting. After that, there just isn't a whole of time to enjoy what NYC has to offer. So, if I can't live life in the fab lane in Manhattan, I would rather just come and visit and enjoy it for what it is.

But, circumstance is going to dictate what happens next. I have to think about my career and my future. And, if that means I have to move back to be able to make a living, then so be it. I'm not going to cry about it. I just know what to expect. And that's a lot of hard work. If I had a choice, I'm not sure what I would do. But, circumstance will be the driving force for what's best for me.

Earlier, I said that I wasn't necessarily happy. But really, I'm content. I'm relaxed. And, I know that California has done me good, so to speak. I needed the break. I realize that now. But now, it's just about that time to start busting a move again.

Another thing I have to admit...NYC brings out a lot of emotions in me. I had the best of times there and the worst of times. I've left behind some of my best friends. And this trip really brought it home. In those six days, I felt excitement, disappointment, joy, exhaustion, confusion, innocence, sadness, animosity and love. It was a mish-mash of complicated internal struggles dealing with my career, my friendships and my relationship with this city.

In the end, it was bittersweet. There I was...standing in the middle of the street, saying goodbye to N and J and crying...crying because I wished I could just stay there with them and live my life. But, not my old life.

The city had knocked me down and I still loved it. I felt defeated.

I still feel defeated. I still love it.

One thing is for certain. If I do end up coming back, I won't be patching up the wounds. I'm determined to come back and start a brand new relationship with the Big Apple. One, that won't ever allow me to feel defeated again.


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