Starting the new job tomorrow! I am excited, scared and in awe!
Really, cannot wait! This is going to be good for me. I know it.
Got a little knot in the tummy...
but, I've got some kick ass meatballs waiting for me at the end of the day.
Something to look forward to.
To be continued...
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Sunday, June 12, 2011
JUNE GLOOM IN LA...PEAK OF SUNSHINE IN MY LIFE
Everyone is complaining about the June gloom, but things are just starting to look up in my life. FINALLY!
Don't get me wrong...2011 hasn't exactly been easy. And, to top things off, my cousin was killed in a freak accident and the sister of one of my best friend's in NY was killed in a car accident. So...yes, lots of unfortunate tragedy.
On the bright side...there is a lot. And, it all happened suddenly. My aunt finished radiation and she's good. Just praying it will all be ok. My best friend too. Had her mastectomy, which is really difficult obviously...but, I'm praying for the best. And, after two years of looking for a legit job in LA...I finally finally got it! Got it in a BIG way!!!!!! NBC. Local. Producer/writer. I'm psyched and I start in one week! Cannot wait! Don't get me wrong...I do appreciate all that my bosses have done for me, but this is an amazing opportunity. Too good to pass up.
As for my health, it's been an uphill battle and it's not over yet. I've taken up some alternative health options. I'm really digging the new accupuncture and massages and yoga. It's costing me a fortune, but I think it's working! I was supposed to start an infusion treatment, but it turns out my blood tests are looking better. I still feel hesitant about the whole thing, but I'm trying to have a more positive attitude and I'm hoping this streak stays for awhile.
Oh...and that new person in my life. Well, he's still in my life. And, I like it. A lot. In fact, I don't know what happened today...but, it was something that he did...and it all just really hit me hard today. And, it really freaked me out. Not a good thing, especially because we're both really bad communicators and when I love, I love hard. So...don't want another cry-fest for a year like the last time. But, he's the furthest thing from easy. In fact, probably the most complicated person I've ever been with. Without getting into the details here (which I would NEVER)...it's just a lot to handle. And it's all very hard to read. And, just like I don't like to talk about the personal lives of my employers...I certainly won't be divulging too much here about my personal life. Bottom line here...he's brilliant and doesn't realize it. He makes me laugh and it makes me happy. It's all good. For now. And, I'm taking it one day at a time.
That said...I'm trying to enjoy LA now. Going to shows and concerts and re-exploring the city. And, I must say, I quite like it. So...this blog may have to change. It went from hating LA...to loving LA.
Truthfully, I am so happy to be back home. And, I am feeling very blessed right now. Very. Life is good.
Don't get me wrong...2011 hasn't exactly been easy. And, to top things off, my cousin was killed in a freak accident and the sister of one of my best friend's in NY was killed in a car accident. So...yes, lots of unfortunate tragedy.
On the bright side...there is a lot. And, it all happened suddenly. My aunt finished radiation and she's good. Just praying it will all be ok. My best friend too. Had her mastectomy, which is really difficult obviously...but, I'm praying for the best. And, after two years of looking for a legit job in LA...I finally finally got it! Got it in a BIG way!!!!!! NBC. Local. Producer/writer. I'm psyched and I start in one week! Cannot wait! Don't get me wrong...I do appreciate all that my bosses have done for me, but this is an amazing opportunity. Too good to pass up.
As for my health, it's been an uphill battle and it's not over yet. I've taken up some alternative health options. I'm really digging the new accupuncture and massages and yoga. It's costing me a fortune, but I think it's working! I was supposed to start an infusion treatment, but it turns out my blood tests are looking better. I still feel hesitant about the whole thing, but I'm trying to have a more positive attitude and I'm hoping this streak stays for awhile.
Oh...and that new person in my life. Well, he's still in my life. And, I like it. A lot. In fact, I don't know what happened today...but, it was something that he did...and it all just really hit me hard today. And, it really freaked me out. Not a good thing, especially because we're both really bad communicators and when I love, I love hard. So...don't want another cry-fest for a year like the last time. But, he's the furthest thing from easy. In fact, probably the most complicated person I've ever been with. Without getting into the details here (which I would NEVER)...it's just a lot to handle. And it's all very hard to read. And, just like I don't like to talk about the personal lives of my employers...I certainly won't be divulging too much here about my personal life. Bottom line here...he's brilliant and doesn't realize it. He makes me laugh and it makes me happy. It's all good. For now. And, I'm taking it one day at a time.
That said...I'm trying to enjoy LA now. Going to shows and concerts and re-exploring the city. And, I must say, I quite like it. So...this blog may have to change. It went from hating LA...to loving LA.
Truthfully, I am so happy to be back home. And, I am feeling very blessed right now. Very. Life is good.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
DEJA VUE ALL OVER AGAIN...
Shit. Fuck. Those are the first words that come to mind. And yes, I am feeling a little sorry for myself. Damn. Not again.
Let's rewind to 2008. Anyone who knows me well, knows my pain. Literally. Without getting too personal here, it's happening again. I have to deal with the docs and the hospitals and the drugs. And this time, I'm more frustrated than scared. Up until yesterday, when my new doc told me something really scary. I refuse to feel sorry for myself. But, today..I just sat in my car and cried. More out of frustration. Really.
I have a friend from grad school who tells me the other day she knows exactly what I'm going through. Umm, girl...I tell you now...you are MUCH stronger than I am. She is going through hell. I mean, serious hell. I cannot imagine what she is going through. But, she's a tough cookie. She'll make it. We both will. But, more than anything right now...I think about her and know she will make it. Because if she doesn't...nobody can.
The ironic thing about all this crap that's put a dent in my life right now is that I actually have good things going on too. My best friend sounds better and the cancer is, I think, gone! Fingers crossed. My aunt's cancer is out and she is going through radiation. My mom is feeling great after her heart scare last summer. One of my closest friends from college just moved back to LA. My NY bestie is coming out here in a couple of weeks. I am appreciating my new LA friends. And, I have a new someone in my life who inspires my creativity and has sort of tapped into a side of me that hasn't seen the light of day in a really really long time.
My job is more mellow (likely because they are feeling sorry for me right now). In fact, they just sent me out to NYC for work. While I had the most amazing time...I felt absolutely no desire to move back. For the first time EVER! Just that feeling of...been there, done that...not going back. It's kind of that feeling you have when you know you would be taking a step back, not forward. Can't look back...in the way that I was looking back.
I have a lot more to say. But, I can't do it here. There is a lot to say. But, for now...I'm staying mum. One day at a time.
But, guess what? I'm singing again. I know that may scare some people. But, I actually shocked myself tonight. No, I don't really sing. But, I broke out of my shell...and belted out a little bit...(in the comfort of my own living room). Felt really good anyway.
Let's rewind to 2008. Anyone who knows me well, knows my pain. Literally. Without getting too personal here, it's happening again. I have to deal with the docs and the hospitals and the drugs. And this time, I'm more frustrated than scared. Up until yesterday, when my new doc told me something really scary. I refuse to feel sorry for myself. But, today..I just sat in my car and cried. More out of frustration. Really.
I have a friend from grad school who tells me the other day she knows exactly what I'm going through. Umm, girl...I tell you now...you are MUCH stronger than I am. She is going through hell. I mean, serious hell. I cannot imagine what she is going through. But, she's a tough cookie. She'll make it. We both will. But, more than anything right now...I think about her and know she will make it. Because if she doesn't...nobody can.
The ironic thing about all this crap that's put a dent in my life right now is that I actually have good things going on too. My best friend sounds better and the cancer is, I think, gone! Fingers crossed. My aunt's cancer is out and she is going through radiation. My mom is feeling great after her heart scare last summer. One of my closest friends from college just moved back to LA. My NY bestie is coming out here in a couple of weeks. I am appreciating my new LA friends. And, I have a new someone in my life who inspires my creativity and has sort of tapped into a side of me that hasn't seen the light of day in a really really long time.
My job is more mellow (likely because they are feeling sorry for me right now). In fact, they just sent me out to NYC for work. While I had the most amazing time...I felt absolutely no desire to move back. For the first time EVER! Just that feeling of...been there, done that...not going back. It's kind of that feeling you have when you know you would be taking a step back, not forward. Can't look back...in the way that I was looking back.
I have a lot more to say. But, I can't do it here. There is a lot to say. But, for now...I'm staying mum. One day at a time.
But, guess what? I'm singing again. I know that may scare some people. But, I actually shocked myself tonight. No, I don't really sing. But, I broke out of my shell...and belted out a little bit...(in the comfort of my own living room). Felt really good anyway.
Monday, February 21, 2011
INSPIRED
Yessssss! I finally feel inspired! Really just inspired!
And, I'm writing like mad. It's like I've been paralyzed since I moved back from NYC. Stifled. Finally, finally...I am inspired!
Not sure what inspired me. Maybe time. I've had a lot of time on my hands to re-group, to think this weekend as I sit on my couch recovering from surgery. Truthfully, it's been a very productive weekend and I just feel good. Good. Energized. In pain, but energized.
It's been kind of a messed up weekend, really. The drugs with the surgery. The pain. Some tears. Some bickering. Some jealousy thrown in there. Things that need to be said, but were not. Some drunk conversations. Raw emotions that I'm not really sure how to deal with. A lot of rest, but not nearly enough sleep.
It used to be that anger, frustration, confusion were the things that spurred me to write. But, I'm feeling a whole lot more than that right now. So, I'm not sure what exactly inspired me. Someone said to me today that I'm finding my balance. Sure. Maybe. Balance in one area. Off kilter in another?
Can't overthink it. Just going with it.
But, I sure do like it.
And, I'm writing like mad. It's like I've been paralyzed since I moved back from NYC. Stifled. Finally, finally...I am inspired!
Not sure what inspired me. Maybe time. I've had a lot of time on my hands to re-group, to think this weekend as I sit on my couch recovering from surgery. Truthfully, it's been a very productive weekend and I just feel good. Good. Energized. In pain, but energized.
It's been kind of a messed up weekend, really. The drugs with the surgery. The pain. Some tears. Some bickering. Some jealousy thrown in there. Things that need to be said, but were not. Some drunk conversations. Raw emotions that I'm not really sure how to deal with. A lot of rest, but not nearly enough sleep.
It used to be that anger, frustration, confusion were the things that spurred me to write. But, I'm feeling a whole lot more than that right now. So, I'm not sure what exactly inspired me. Someone said to me today that I'm finding my balance. Sure. Maybe. Balance in one area. Off kilter in another?
Can't overthink it. Just going with it.
But, I sure do like it.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
WINTER DAYZ...
Right this second, I'm sitting on my couch...dead of winter. And, it's freezing outside. Well, brrrr for LA. And, that's ok...cuz I'm feeling a little bleak right now too.
It's the same way I felt in NYC before I "escaped"...really I guess, from my unhappiness. In fact, I've been thinking a lot about New York today. Talking about bagels and bialys and pizza. Chinese versus Mexican. I'm finally realizing it wasn't the CITY that I escaped from. It was an escape from myself. My sad, unhappy and stupid, love-sick self at the time. I'm just trying to make sure I don't crack like I did back then.
I would say 2011 started off with a bunch of big ups and big downs. Picture this: In Spain...on a great vacation with my girls...and I get some really tragic news...that K.S.'s mom committed suicide. She's my childhood friend. We've known each other since we were 5, which means I've known her family equally as long. So sad. So tragic. And, of course...no words to comfort my friend. Naturally, she's got a lot of guilt and the worst part is, I don't know how to help her, except to just BE there for her. I guess that's all I can do. But, it leaves me feeling empty.
The,n I cruise through NYC and get more bad news...My aunt, my godmother has cancer. Breast cancer. The disease surrounds me...like it's contagious or something. Why? I just don't understand. For now, I can only hope for the best, but my debbie downer NY'er self is rearing its ugly head out and starting to get the best of me. Unfortunately.
Speaking of cancer...one big relief...my best friend IS doing better. I think. I hope. Still. She's been battling this thing on her own now and I just don't know how she does it. I can't physically be there because...well, now I have my own health issues to deal with. Once again.
It's like deja vu. All over again. It started right when I got to Mexico for Christmas and my doc called me to tell me about my sub-par blood tests. So, here go the upped meds and me feeling like shit and of course, worrying about it all over again. A kidney flare-up, she says. Or, maybe something else. Shit. Hard to have a great time on vacation when you have something like this hanging over your head and you feel like your head is about to bust (literally) from all the meds.
Right now, I'm just feeling sorry for myself -- obviously -- because I'm trying to recover on my couch from yesterday's kidney biopsy. Yup, just like the one I had back in 2008. Before I had to go through hell with all the drugs and hospital stays and chemotherapy and hair loss. I just don't know if I can handle it all again. I don't know how M.R. does it with the cancer. But, I guess she's stronger than I am. I don't know. I'm trying to stay positive..but obviously, feeling boo hoo for myself.
Don't even get me started on the job situation. Best to not even go there.
All this crazy stuff going on...and it's not just with me personally. It's all around.
I have a new friend, who says all this negative stuff has something to do with the earth shifting on its axis. I don't know if that's it, but I'm willing to buy that argument for now. Somehow (and I don't know how), I'm buying a lot of what comes out of this friend's mouth. And, it makes me smile. Laugh, even. Yah. He makes me laugh. God. When was the last time I said that? Well, I KNOW. It's been a long time. And, that's exactly what scares me about this new friend.
But, I digress. I guess you've gotta take the bad with the good (how I wish that were not the reality of it)...and hope that somewhere along the way the good outweighs the bad.
It's only February. I got that itch to escape again today. Somewhere far away. But, I don't want to re-live that exodus and mini-breakdown again. I'm really hoping that my new good stuff...particlarly,the people who are making me feel happy and smile right now--will get me through my downs.
No expectations. Just taking it all in...good and bad...one day at a time.
It's the same way I felt in NYC before I "escaped"...really I guess, from my unhappiness. In fact, I've been thinking a lot about New York today. Talking about bagels and bialys and pizza. Chinese versus Mexican. I'm finally realizing it wasn't the CITY that I escaped from. It was an escape from myself. My sad, unhappy and stupid, love-sick self at the time. I'm just trying to make sure I don't crack like I did back then.
I would say 2011 started off with a bunch of big ups and big downs. Picture this: In Spain...on a great vacation with my girls...and I get some really tragic news...that K.S.'s mom committed suicide. She's my childhood friend. We've known each other since we were 5, which means I've known her family equally as long. So sad. So tragic. And, of course...no words to comfort my friend. Naturally, she's got a lot of guilt and the worst part is, I don't know how to help her, except to just BE there for her. I guess that's all I can do. But, it leaves me feeling empty.
The,n I cruise through NYC and get more bad news...My aunt, my godmother has cancer. Breast cancer. The disease surrounds me...like it's contagious or something. Why? I just don't understand. For now, I can only hope for the best, but my debbie downer NY'er self is rearing its ugly head out and starting to get the best of me. Unfortunately.
Speaking of cancer...one big relief...my best friend IS doing better. I think. I hope. Still. She's been battling this thing on her own now and I just don't know how she does it. I can't physically be there because...well, now I have my own health issues to deal with. Once again.
It's like deja vu. All over again. It started right when I got to Mexico for Christmas and my doc called me to tell me about my sub-par blood tests. So, here go the upped meds and me feeling like shit and of course, worrying about it all over again. A kidney flare-up, she says. Or, maybe something else. Shit. Hard to have a great time on vacation when you have something like this hanging over your head and you feel like your head is about to bust (literally) from all the meds.
Right now, I'm just feeling sorry for myself -- obviously -- because I'm trying to recover on my couch from yesterday's kidney biopsy. Yup, just like the one I had back in 2008. Before I had to go through hell with all the drugs and hospital stays and chemotherapy and hair loss. I just don't know if I can handle it all again. I don't know how M.R. does it with the cancer. But, I guess she's stronger than I am. I don't know. I'm trying to stay positive..but obviously, feeling boo hoo for myself.
Don't even get me started on the job situation. Best to not even go there.
All this crazy stuff going on...and it's not just with me personally. It's all around.
I have a new friend, who says all this negative stuff has something to do with the earth shifting on its axis. I don't know if that's it, but I'm willing to buy that argument for now. Somehow (and I don't know how), I'm buying a lot of what comes out of this friend's mouth. And, it makes me smile. Laugh, even. Yah. He makes me laugh. God. When was the last time I said that? Well, I KNOW. It's been a long time. And, that's exactly what scares me about this new friend.
But, I digress. I guess you've gotta take the bad with the good (how I wish that were not the reality of it)...and hope that somewhere along the way the good outweighs the bad.
It's only February. I got that itch to escape again today. Somewhere far away. But, I don't want to re-live that exodus and mini-breakdown again. I'm really hoping that my new good stuff...particlarly,the people who are making me feel happy and smile right now--will get me through my downs.
No expectations. Just taking it all in...good and bad...one day at a time.
Monday, January 17, 2011
HAPPY 2011!
It's been awhile. Yes. And, many things have changed.
It's also a new year. 2011. Can't say that it's great so far. Lots of personal sad news and we're only 2 weeks into the year. Shit. And, I was hoping for a really good one. Finally. Especially since the last 3 years have literally sucked. Sigh.
I have A LOT to say. And, it will come.
But, first and foremost: a breakthrough. I think I actually might be over the moving back to NYC thing. It depends of course on the job situation as always. But, I'm actually starting to have fun in LA. Shocker. Never thought it would happen.
Ironically, I am spending an incredible amount of time with a handful of former NY'ers here in LA. And, it makes me happy.
More to come...
It's also a new year. 2011. Can't say that it's great so far. Lots of personal sad news and we're only 2 weeks into the year. Shit. And, I was hoping for a really good one. Finally. Especially since the last 3 years have literally sucked. Sigh.
I have A LOT to say. And, it will come.
But, first and foremost: a breakthrough. I think I actually might be over the moving back to NYC thing. It depends of course on the job situation as always. But, I'm actually starting to have fun in LA. Shocker. Never thought it would happen.
Ironically, I am spending an incredible amount of time with a handful of former NY'ers here in LA. And, it makes me happy.
More to come...
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