ANGRY LOVIN'

Just recently had a big 36th birthday bash and it was great! But it got me thinking about my love life. Have no idea why, but it did.

And, it makes me angry. Not angry at the guy that just broke my heart in a million pieces this year. But, angry at myself that I let it happen and play out the way it did. I know I'm stronger than that. Clearly, I was blinded by love. Or, at least what I thought was love.

I really liked this guy pretty much from the day that I met him. I have liked him for the entire 3 years I've known him. And, somewhere along the way, I fell in love (and, subsequently, did a lot of stupid things). I would have pretty much done anything for this man. It's rare that I fall this hard. And, it turns out it was one-sided all the way. I'm not sure I ever want to feel this way ever again.

This year, he told me that he didn't love me the way I loved him. He said that we just had too much in common. Really?! Personally (and, I'm sure most people would agree)...I hope to find someone that I share interests and values with. It's the fundamental common values that are important in building a strong family bond. He was so scared that I was in love with him. And, I flat out...sitting on a NYC stoop...told him that I wasn't in love with him. I lied. I still love him.

Trust me, I have cried about this all year,until now. Now, I'm just angry at the way I allowed him to treat me. And, all of it goes back to one thing: HURT. And, it's my fault. I let that happen.

Examples:
-He was intimate with me, but telling my friends within earshot that he just hasn't met the woman whom he wants as the mother of his children.
-He moves to NYC right after I moved back from there. It's the city I just wasn't ready to leave. The same city he said he would never live in. So, why did he do it?
-He treats my friends well. He takes them out. He calls me to tell them he's taking them out. He pays for them. Yes, seemingly nice. So, what happens when I come to town? Well, he barely wants to hang out and he stiffs me with a $150 bill.
-He shows off his new girlfriend to my friends. No great reviews from them, but that's not the point. I hear all about her from them. But, I talk to him hundreds of times in between and there's no mention of her. I say: omission is the same thing as lying.
-He says he wants me to meet the new girlfriend. What the hell for? He says she's jealous of me. One word comes to mind: why? Don't make me feel like the bad guy here.

And, I don't just think he's hurting me. He's hurting women in general. Somebody must have really f'ed him up in the past. I don't know what he's telling this new chick to make her "jealous" of me. But, it's just mean...to her. And, he's sitting there telling me that inviting her back to his hometown with her 2 year old kid is going to be a test. What kind of man would say that? I'm sure she would be thrilled to know she was being tested. Don't get me wrong...she's no dummy. She knows that she needs to find a daddy for her kid. So, she's going to power it out. He's not a bad guy per se. Maybe just doesn't know better. But, all of these actions just seem pretty shallow. I wonder how he graded that "test."

The best part, I think is that he thinks he really knows me. But, when he told me a short while ago that I'm the girl who likes to stay at hotels like the Four Seasons...I just had to laugh. This guy doesn't know the first thing about me! I've never even thought to stay at a Four Seasons hotel. Honestly, I wouldn't waste the money. If fact, the only time I ever stayed at a posh hotel like that was with him! And, it wasn't even my idea. Lesson learned: some people will just never want to get to know who you really are.

While I sat here loving him. He just ended up hurting me. I am stupid. I feel used. Love is stupid, I guess. But, I will not allow him to hurt me or use me any longer. Besides, I have a lot more important things to worry about right now anyway. It's funny how sometimes your life gets turned upside down and it just makes everything else so much more clear in your mind.

So, I'm angry yes. And, what did I do except for love him unconditionally? Nothing. I did nothing wrong. And, I'm just now realizing I'm not the one with the problem. So, while I may be angry...it's not at him. It's more at my weakness. I still love him. I will always love him. But, I must say...it has helped me figure out what I DO and DON'T want in a partner.

So, now...focusing on much more important matters at hand.