Yessssss! I finally feel inspired! Really just inspired!
And, I'm writing like mad. It's like I've been paralyzed since I moved back from NYC. Stifled. Finally, finally...I am inspired!
Not sure what inspired me. Maybe time. I've had a lot of time on my hands to re-group, to think this weekend as I sit on my couch recovering from surgery. Truthfully, it's been a very productive weekend and I just feel good. Good. Energized. In pain, but energized.
It's been kind of a messed up weekend, really. The drugs with the surgery. The pain. Some tears. Some bickering. Some jealousy thrown in there. Things that need to be said, but were not. Some drunk conversations. Raw emotions that I'm not really sure how to deal with. A lot of rest, but not nearly enough sleep.
It used to be that anger, frustration, confusion were the things that spurred me to write. But, I'm feeling a whole lot more than that right now. So, I'm not sure what exactly inspired me. Someone said to me today that I'm finding my balance. Sure. Maybe. Balance in one area. Off kilter in another?
Can't overthink it. Just going with it.
But, I sure do like it.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Saturday, February 19, 2011
WINTER DAYZ...
Right this second, I'm sitting on my couch...dead of winter. And, it's freezing outside. Well, brrrr for LA. And, that's ok...cuz I'm feeling a little bleak right now too.
It's the same way I felt in NYC before I "escaped"...really I guess, from my unhappiness. In fact, I've been thinking a lot about New York today. Talking about bagels and bialys and pizza. Chinese versus Mexican. I'm finally realizing it wasn't the CITY that I escaped from. It was an escape from myself. My sad, unhappy and stupid, love-sick self at the time. I'm just trying to make sure I don't crack like I did back then.
I would say 2011 started off with a bunch of big ups and big downs. Picture this: In Spain...on a great vacation with my girls...and I get some really tragic news...that K.S.'s mom committed suicide. She's my childhood friend. We've known each other since we were 5, which means I've known her family equally as long. So sad. So tragic. And, of course...no words to comfort my friend. Naturally, she's got a lot of guilt and the worst part is, I don't know how to help her, except to just BE there for her. I guess that's all I can do. But, it leaves me feeling empty.
The,n I cruise through NYC and get more bad news...My aunt, my godmother has cancer. Breast cancer. The disease surrounds me...like it's contagious or something. Why? I just don't understand. For now, I can only hope for the best, but my debbie downer NY'er self is rearing its ugly head out and starting to get the best of me. Unfortunately.
Speaking of cancer...one big relief...my best friend IS doing better. I think. I hope. Still. She's been battling this thing on her own now and I just don't know how she does it. I can't physically be there because...well, now I have my own health issues to deal with. Once again.
It's like deja vu. All over again. It started right when I got to Mexico for Christmas and my doc called me to tell me about my sub-par blood tests. So, here go the upped meds and me feeling like shit and of course, worrying about it all over again. A kidney flare-up, she says. Or, maybe something else. Shit. Hard to have a great time on vacation when you have something like this hanging over your head and you feel like your head is about to bust (literally) from all the meds.
Right now, I'm just feeling sorry for myself -- obviously -- because I'm trying to recover on my couch from yesterday's kidney biopsy. Yup, just like the one I had back in 2008. Before I had to go through hell with all the drugs and hospital stays and chemotherapy and hair loss. I just don't know if I can handle it all again. I don't know how M.R. does it with the cancer. But, I guess she's stronger than I am. I don't know. I'm trying to stay positive..but obviously, feeling boo hoo for myself.
Don't even get me started on the job situation. Best to not even go there.
All this crazy stuff going on...and it's not just with me personally. It's all around.
I have a new friend, who says all this negative stuff has something to do with the earth shifting on its axis. I don't know if that's it, but I'm willing to buy that argument for now. Somehow (and I don't know how), I'm buying a lot of what comes out of this friend's mouth. And, it makes me smile. Laugh, even. Yah. He makes me laugh. God. When was the last time I said that? Well, I KNOW. It's been a long time. And, that's exactly what scares me about this new friend.
But, I digress. I guess you've gotta take the bad with the good (how I wish that were not the reality of it)...and hope that somewhere along the way the good outweighs the bad.
It's only February. I got that itch to escape again today. Somewhere far away. But, I don't want to re-live that exodus and mini-breakdown again. I'm really hoping that my new good stuff...particlarly,the people who are making me feel happy and smile right now--will get me through my downs.
No expectations. Just taking it all in...good and bad...one day at a time.
It's the same way I felt in NYC before I "escaped"...really I guess, from my unhappiness. In fact, I've been thinking a lot about New York today. Talking about bagels and bialys and pizza. Chinese versus Mexican. I'm finally realizing it wasn't the CITY that I escaped from. It was an escape from myself. My sad, unhappy and stupid, love-sick self at the time. I'm just trying to make sure I don't crack like I did back then.
I would say 2011 started off with a bunch of big ups and big downs. Picture this: In Spain...on a great vacation with my girls...and I get some really tragic news...that K.S.'s mom committed suicide. She's my childhood friend. We've known each other since we were 5, which means I've known her family equally as long. So sad. So tragic. And, of course...no words to comfort my friend. Naturally, she's got a lot of guilt and the worst part is, I don't know how to help her, except to just BE there for her. I guess that's all I can do. But, it leaves me feeling empty.
The,n I cruise through NYC and get more bad news...My aunt, my godmother has cancer. Breast cancer. The disease surrounds me...like it's contagious or something. Why? I just don't understand. For now, I can only hope for the best, but my debbie downer NY'er self is rearing its ugly head out and starting to get the best of me. Unfortunately.
Speaking of cancer...one big relief...my best friend IS doing better. I think. I hope. Still. She's been battling this thing on her own now and I just don't know how she does it. I can't physically be there because...well, now I have my own health issues to deal with. Once again.
It's like deja vu. All over again. It started right when I got to Mexico for Christmas and my doc called me to tell me about my sub-par blood tests. So, here go the upped meds and me feeling like shit and of course, worrying about it all over again. A kidney flare-up, she says. Or, maybe something else. Shit. Hard to have a great time on vacation when you have something like this hanging over your head and you feel like your head is about to bust (literally) from all the meds.
Right now, I'm just feeling sorry for myself -- obviously -- because I'm trying to recover on my couch from yesterday's kidney biopsy. Yup, just like the one I had back in 2008. Before I had to go through hell with all the drugs and hospital stays and chemotherapy and hair loss. I just don't know if I can handle it all again. I don't know how M.R. does it with the cancer. But, I guess she's stronger than I am. I don't know. I'm trying to stay positive..but obviously, feeling boo hoo for myself.
Don't even get me started on the job situation. Best to not even go there.
All this crazy stuff going on...and it's not just with me personally. It's all around.
I have a new friend, who says all this negative stuff has something to do with the earth shifting on its axis. I don't know if that's it, but I'm willing to buy that argument for now. Somehow (and I don't know how), I'm buying a lot of what comes out of this friend's mouth. And, it makes me smile. Laugh, even. Yah. He makes me laugh. God. When was the last time I said that? Well, I KNOW. It's been a long time. And, that's exactly what scares me about this new friend.
But, I digress. I guess you've gotta take the bad with the good (how I wish that were not the reality of it)...and hope that somewhere along the way the good outweighs the bad.
It's only February. I got that itch to escape again today. Somewhere far away. But, I don't want to re-live that exodus and mini-breakdown again. I'm really hoping that my new good stuff...particlarly,the people who are making me feel happy and smile right now--will get me through my downs.
No expectations. Just taking it all in...good and bad...one day at a time.
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