BIG DAY TOMORROW!

Starting the new job tomorrow! I am excited, scared and in awe!
Really, cannot wait! This is going to be good for me. I know it.
Got a little knot in the tummy...
but, I've got some kick ass meatballs waiting for me at the end of the day.
Something to look forward to.
To be continued...

JUNE GLOOM IN LA...PEAK OF SUNSHINE IN MY LIFE

Everyone is complaining about the June gloom, but things are just starting to look up in my life. FINALLY!

Don't get me wrong...2011 hasn't exactly been easy. And, to top things off, my cousin was killed in a freak accident and the sister of one of my best friend's in NY was killed in a car accident. So...yes, lots of unfortunate tragedy.

On the bright side...there is a lot. And, it all happened suddenly. My aunt finished radiation and she's good. Just praying it will all be ok. My best friend too. Had her mastectomy, which is really difficult obviously...but, I'm praying for the best. And, after two years of looking for a legit job in LA...I finally finally got it! Got it in a BIG way!!!!!! NBC. Local. Producer/writer. I'm psyched and I start in one week! Cannot wait! Don't get me wrong...I do appreciate all that my bosses have done for me, but this is an amazing opportunity. Too good to pass up.

As for my health, it's been an uphill battle and it's not over yet. I've taken up some alternative health options. I'm really digging the new accupuncture and massages and yoga. It's costing me a fortune, but I think it's working! I was supposed to start an infusion treatment, but it turns out my blood tests are looking better. I still feel hesitant about the whole thing, but I'm trying to have a more positive attitude and I'm hoping this streak stays for awhile.

Oh...and that new person in my life. Well, he's still in my life. And, I like it. A lot. In fact, I don't know what happened today...but, it was something that he did...and it all just really hit me hard today. And, it really freaked me out. Not a good thing, especially because we're both really bad communicators and when I love, I love hard. So...don't want another cry-fest for a year like the last time. But, he's the furthest thing from easy. In fact, probably the most complicated person I've ever been with. Without getting into the details here (which I would NEVER)...it's just a lot to handle. And it's all very hard to read. And, just like I don't like to talk about the personal lives of my employers...I certainly won't be divulging too much here about my personal life. Bottom line here...he's brilliant and doesn't realize it. He makes me laugh and it makes me happy. It's all good. For now. And, I'm taking it one day at a time.

That said...I'm trying to enjoy LA now. Going to shows and concerts and re-exploring the city. And, I must say, I quite like it. So...this blog may have to change. It went from hating LA...to loving LA.

Truthfully, I am so happy to be back home. And, I am feeling very blessed right now. Very. Life is good.

DEJA VUE ALL OVER AGAIN...

Shit. Fuck. Those are the first words that come to mind. And yes, I am feeling a little sorry for myself. Damn. Not again.

Let's rewind to 2008. Anyone who knows me well, knows my pain. Literally. Without getting too personal here, it's happening again. I have to deal with the docs and the hospitals and the drugs. And this time, I'm more frustrated than scared. Up until yesterday, when my new doc told me something really scary. I refuse to feel sorry for myself. But, today..I just sat in my car and cried. More out of frustration. Really.

I have a friend from grad school who tells me the other day she knows exactly what I'm going through. Umm, girl...I tell you now...you are MUCH stronger than I am. She is going through hell. I mean, serious hell. I cannot imagine what she is going through. But, she's a tough cookie. She'll make it. We both will. But, more than anything right now...I think about her and know she will make it. Because if she doesn't...nobody can.

The ironic thing about all this crap that's put a dent in my life right now is that I actually have good things going on too. My best friend sounds better and the cancer is, I think, gone! Fingers crossed. My aunt's cancer is out and she is going through radiation. My mom is feeling great after her heart scare last summer. One of my closest friends from college just moved back to LA. My NY bestie is coming out here in a couple of weeks. I am appreciating my new LA friends. And, I have a new someone in my life who inspires my creativity and has sort of tapped into a side of me that hasn't seen the light of day in a really really long time.

My job is more mellow (likely because they are feeling sorry for me right now). In fact, they just sent me out to NYC for work. While I had the most amazing time...I felt absolutely no desire to move back. For the first time EVER! Just that feeling of...been there, done that...not going back. It's kind of that feeling you have when you know you would be taking a step back, not forward. Can't look back...in the way that I was looking back.

I have a lot more to say. But, I can't do it here. There is a lot to say. But, for now...I'm staying mum. One day at a time.

But, guess what? I'm singing again. I know that may scare some people. But, I actually shocked myself tonight. No, I don't really sing. But, I broke out of my shell...and belted out a little bit...(in the comfort of my own living room). Felt really good anyway.

INSPIRED

Yessssss! I finally feel inspired! Really just inspired!
And, I'm writing like mad. It's like I've been paralyzed since I moved back from NYC. Stifled. Finally, finally...I am inspired!

Not sure what inspired me. Maybe time. I've had a lot of time on my hands to re-group, to think this weekend as I sit on my couch recovering from surgery. Truthfully, it's been a very productive weekend and I just feel good. Good. Energized. In pain, but energized.

It's been kind of a messed up weekend, really. The drugs with the surgery. The pain. Some tears. Some bickering. Some jealousy thrown in there. Things that need to be said, but were not. Some drunk conversations. Raw emotions that I'm not really sure how to deal with. A lot of rest, but not nearly enough sleep.

It used to be that anger, frustration, confusion were the things that spurred me to write. But, I'm feeling a whole lot more than that right now. So, I'm not sure what exactly inspired me. Someone said to me today that I'm finding my balance. Sure. Maybe. Balance in one area. Off kilter in another?

Can't overthink it. Just going with it.

But, I sure do like it.

WINTER DAYZ...

Right this second, I'm sitting on my couch...dead of winter. And, it's freezing outside. Well, brrrr for LA. And, that's ok...cuz I'm feeling a little bleak right now too.

It's the same way I felt in NYC before I "escaped"...really I guess, from my unhappiness. In fact, I've been thinking a lot about New York today. Talking about bagels and bialys and pizza. Chinese versus Mexican. I'm finally realizing it wasn't the CITY that I escaped from. It was an escape from myself. My sad, unhappy and stupid, love-sick self at the time. I'm just trying to make sure I don't crack like I did back then.

I would say 2011 started off with a bunch of big ups and big downs. Picture this: In Spain...on a great vacation with my girls...and I get some really tragic news...that K.S.'s mom committed suicide. She's my childhood friend. We've known each other since we were 5, which means I've known her family equally as long. So sad. So tragic. And, of course...no words to comfort my friend. Naturally, she's got a lot of guilt and the worst part is, I don't know how to help her, except to just BE there for her. I guess that's all I can do. But, it leaves me feeling empty.

The,n I cruise through NYC and get more bad news...My aunt, my godmother has cancer. Breast cancer. The disease surrounds me...like it's contagious or something. Why? I just don't understand. For now, I can only hope for the best, but my debbie downer NY'er self is rearing its ugly head out and starting to get the best of me. Unfortunately.

Speaking of cancer...one big relief...my best friend IS doing better. I think. I hope. Still. She's been battling this thing on her own now and I just don't know how she does it. I can't physically be there because...well, now I have my own health issues to deal with. Once again.

It's like deja vu. All over again. It started right when I got to Mexico for Christmas and my doc called me to tell me about my sub-par blood tests. So, here go the upped meds and me feeling like shit and of course, worrying about it all over again. A kidney flare-up, she says. Or, maybe something else. Shit. Hard to have a great time on vacation when you have something like this hanging over your head and you feel like your head is about to bust (literally) from all the meds.

Right now, I'm just feeling sorry for myself -- obviously -- because I'm trying to recover on my couch from yesterday's kidney biopsy. Yup, just like the one I had back in 2008. Before I had to go through hell with all the drugs and hospital stays and chemotherapy and hair loss. I just don't know if I can handle it all again. I don't know how M.R. does it with the cancer. But, I guess she's stronger than I am. I don't know. I'm trying to stay positive..but obviously, feeling boo hoo for myself.

Don't even get me started on the job situation. Best to not even go there.

All this crazy stuff going on...and it's not just with me personally. It's all around.

I have a new friend, who says all this negative stuff has something to do with the earth shifting on its axis. I don't know if that's it, but I'm willing to buy that argument for now. Somehow (and I don't know how), I'm buying a lot of what comes out of this friend's mouth. And, it makes me smile. Laugh, even. Yah. He makes me laugh. God. When was the last time I said that? Well, I KNOW. It's been a long time. And, that's exactly what scares me about this new friend.

But, I digress. I guess you've gotta take the bad with the good (how I wish that were not the reality of it)...and hope that somewhere along the way the good outweighs the bad.

It's only February. I got that itch to escape again today. Somewhere far away. But, I don't want to re-live that exodus and mini-breakdown again. I'm really hoping that my new good stuff...particlarly,the people who are making me feel happy and smile right now--will get me through my downs.

No expectations. Just taking it all in...good and bad...one day at a time.

HAPPY 2011!

It's been awhile. Yes. And, many things have changed.

It's also a new year. 2011. Can't say that it's great so far. Lots of personal sad news and we're only 2 weeks into the year. Shit. And, I was hoping for a really good one. Finally. Especially since the last 3 years have literally sucked. Sigh.

I have A LOT to say. And, it will come.

But, first and foremost: a breakthrough. I think I actually might be over the moving back to NYC thing. It depends of course on the job situation as always. But, I'm actually starting to have fun in LA. Shocker. Never thought it would happen.

Ironically, I am spending an incredible amount of time with a handful of former NY'ers here in LA. And, it makes me happy.

More to come...

THERE IS NO PLACE...

...I would rather be right this second, than NYC.
One of my best friends is there.
My childhood friend is there.
My favorite Swede is there. I adore him and miss him.
My friend's new boyfriend is there. And, I have a feeling he will be around for some time.
And, I just wish that I was there right now to be with all of them.
All the people that I miss desperately and love much.

But, sometimes...NYC is just a little bit too small. Even for me. There are just some people you never want to run into. And, you know what? NYC is that small town, when you run into the people you don't want to run into. It's those people that don't even know WHY they are in NYC that ruin that city. Unfortunately.

So tonight...just to get the real essence of what I love...I just decided to hang out with my very dear friend. From NYC. A REAL brooklyn-ite. Not a fake wanna-be one. An actual REAL NY'er. The kind I really like. The kind I love. The kind that makes NYC what it really is. Not just a facade.

It makes me feel better already. Thanks ES! Love ya much!

CLEARLY...IT WAS NOT MEANT TO BE.

I was not meant to be on that red eye flight to NYC tonight. The guy I was supposed to interview with had a family emergency. Funny how things happen the way they do.

Doesn't mean I won't be on a plane tomorrow night. But, for right this second...I'm thinking: there's always a reason for everything.

IT'S AMAZING HOW...

life can give you perspective.
It's what I've been needing for awhile now. Perspective.

A family friend's father died overnight and it just made me think. This year so far has been hard. There has been death. Illness. Lots of that actually. Love lost. Tears. Frustration. Anger. The unknown on so many levels. But it has all given me perspective. To see and realize what is important. At least, what's important to ME.

I say all this because...I'm supposed to have an interview in NYC. Tuesday morning. But, to be perfectly honest...I'm not entirely sure I want to go. I don't know if I just don't want to go for this particular job. Or, if I don't want to go because I just want to stick it close to home right now.

My family is so important to me and the thought of leaving them at this moment, just scares me. I know this sounds corny...but I believe in signs. I mean, subtle signs. Signs that most people miss. In fact, I miss them all the time. But, I feel like they've been loud and clear this year thus far. I was ready to leave LA and all the stuff happened with my mom. Hence, I HAD to stay. For me, for my mom, for my family. And...just many other little things along the way. It's hard for me to decide what's an actual "sign" and what is just a coincidence, so to speak.

But, for some reason...I'm very hesitant about this interview and I don't know why. Maybe I should trust my gut. Maybe something better will come along. Maybe I shouldn't be trying for this one, right now. I don't know. And, I don't know what I'm going to decide at this point. I guess it will be one of those things that screams out I me. I hope.

12 hours from now, I'm going to decide. Should I go or should I stay? I know what I want to do. But I also have to think...what is the smartest thing to do.

To be continued...

THERE IS NOTHING...

a strong vodka martini, amazing food (Suzanne Goin-style) and great company can't fix!

WHY, WHY, WHY...

It's the mantra that only my nyc colleague SW understands. That frustration that leads to the question...why?

I'm frustrated. I'm confused and I'm just not sure why. I have 2 interviews coming up. And guess what? They're both on the east coast. It's what I've been wanting this entire time that I've been living here...to get back to NYC or nearby. The problem though: I'm just not sure I want to go back.

I mean, I don't have to make any decisions yet. And, actually...there are no decisions to be made right now. I don't have a job yet. So, it's not worth talking about, right? But...it is. What if I DO get a job out there again? Is it worth my while to go? Right now, it's November and it's 95 degrees and sunny outside. I'm wearing flip flops and a tank. I love my apartment. It's beautiful and it's 950 square feet of space...ALL TO MYSELF! While I hate my job, would it be so bad to stay in this great city? Plus, there's the whole mom factor. She's independent enough. But I worry. Although, I must remember...that there is nothing I can do if something goes wrong. We had a scare and she's fine now. For now. And, there's MR nearby. But, not near enough for me to visit all the time. So, not sure if that would make a difference either way.

And then, there's him. Yes, that same him. I just don't know why. Why, why, why I'm still thinking about him. And, a lot more than usual. It's literally driving me nuts. Everything reminds me of him lately. For example, someone mentions Hawaii and I think of him. I get an email from this place and it's the place he did that cooking class I bought him. I'm literally calling Brooklyn every day for the boss. And, it just makes me more and more mad. Especially the Brooklyn thing, considering I just literally told him that if I ever moved back to NY, I would move to Brooklyn. And, guess what? HE moves to Brooklyn. It is killing me.

And, I just keep thinking about how used I feel. Yes, I got something out of it too. But, I just feel like...how the hell could he have led me on so badly? Maybe I'm just mad because he's never been honest. I don't think he knows how to be honest. And, I keep thinking about her too. That hippie actress he's dating. So, cliche. I know. At least I don't think of her ugly mug that often. I know...I sound bitter. And, I am. I admit it. And, looks don't matter of course. And, I don't really have a beef with her. I could care less about her. But...come on...could he be that dumb? We all know she's going to get herself knocked up "accidentally". And yes, AK...we all know that "accidents" don't really happen. Could he really be THAT naive?

But, I'm pissed. He has literally RUINED NYC for me. I mean, I want to move back. But,I don't want to be anywhere near him right now. I feel so hurt. Used. And, I've realized he's not the friend I thought he was. You know how they say you realize who your friends are when you really need them. Well, NOW I know who they are. And let's just say...he ain't it. He's too self-absorbed to notice anyone around him, I guess. I've always known that in a way.

Back to my dilemma: if the right opportunity comes up...will it have to be a decision about something else that's literally going to MAKE my decision?

Again, I ask...why why why?

I'm trying here. I'm trying to get a great job. I'm trying to make a great life for myself. I'm trying to figure this all out. And, I'm sorry that I'm always ranting on here. But, I'm so anal and THIS is the only place that I can really let go. In my writing. It's the one place I can unleash. Where I can let loose.

Maybe I'm not angry at him. In fact, that would be giving him too much credit. I'm mad at me...that I can't get it together. That I moved back because I as stupid. That I didn't think when I did it. I'm smart. I'm motivated. I'm driven. I love. I feel. I'm trying to make it happen. I just want to be happy. That's all. Is it too much to ask?

I told MR today that I just wish something would drop into my lap. Something that would SCREAM...this is it! Maybe I should watch out for what I wish. I've had a lot of wishes in the last year. They came true...in the short term...not the long-term.

I still love NYC and if the right opportunity came up...I wouldn't think twice. But, I'm seriously going to consider my other options.

LA just isn't looking bad to me anymore...at least, not the way it used to.

NEW YORK ON MY MIND...

What a surprise! Yes, I'm thinking about NYC again. And, that's only because I really need a job. A REAL job. This week got me thinking. Yes, I have a master's degree and 2 undergraduate degrees. Yes, I am sitting here buying toys for rabbits. Where did it all go so wrong?

It's not the only reason I'm thinking about NYC. I was planning to go out there next month...as a sort of pre-trip to my vacation. Just a couple of days to meet up with some good friends who are swinging through for work and a little bit of play. The usual. My old, fun crew. But, this time around, I will not be there to entertain. And, it kind of irks me.

My best friends will be there. My close friends from out of town will be there (and, I hardly ever see them because they live across the pond). Also likely there: that guy from previous posts. Yes, the same one. And, that is fine. But, I have no desire to meet his new flavor of the month, so to speak.

That's right. I have no desire to meet the new flavor. Ever. From what I've heard, she's just some plain jane strange "character." Nothing to be jealous about from what I can tell. But, I just don't want it all dangled in front of my face. There's no need. Really. Why would I want to meet the chick who he says, is "jealous" of me? And truthfully, I'm just not that "big" to be able to face the situation head-on. Hey, I'm only human.

What makes me mad is that SHE is the stranger in the bunch. Why do I have to be the one tortured though? (Although, my friends will likely be the ones tortured, since they are loyal to me. Sorry guys!) Everyone will be all nicey, nicey. But, I'm sure they could care less about her. And, they're not exactly keen on my former flame either given his behavior toward me this year. Understandable, considering it has been appalling. I wouldn't want to get stiffed with another $150 bill now, would I?

"Did you fall in love with a dumb blonde?" That's the question I was asked by a friend this week. Ahem, yes...well...not sure how to answer that one. Well...he says one thing and does something else. He keeps telling me he loves California, misses California and doesn't want to leave and then, keeps going back to NY. And, surfing on the east coast? Well yes...his actions are a bit ass-backwards. What he says and what he does, just don't jive. They never have.

So, I'm mad. Yes. Well, more SAD that I will not be able to see my foreign friends. But, at least I'll be back in NYC soon enough. A few days in December and a few days in January...maybe longer...

And, perhaps I will be able to see them when I cross the pond...very soon.

SOMETIMES...

...a little Pet Shop Boys blaring in the morning makes everything better.

I JUST THREW UP A LITTLE BIT IN MY MOUTH

If you know me well...you know what made me sick today.
I am disgusted.
I have a very short list of people who disgust me and today, one more person was added to that list.
This is someone who has zero tact.
This is someone who is self absorbed.
This person is insensitive.
This person is most definitely not the person I thought they were. (This is the second time I'm realizing this by the way.) Not a good person at all. Well...maybe just not smart.
Just another person that makes me realize what a horrible judge of character I really am.

LIFE IS LIKE A BOX OF CHOCOLATES

So, things on the "mom front" are getting much better and I couldn't be happier about it. My life, on the other hand, is (sigh) hectic, to say the least. I think I'm due for a break. Well, I can only hope.

My days have gone something like this for the last several months:
-Wake up 2 hours earlier than normal and get myself together for work
-Wake up mom
-Help her shower and get changed if she needs help
-Help with her hair and makeup
-Take her glucose, blood pressure, heart rate, temperature and weight
-Make her breaksfast and make sure she's taking all the right pills (yes, I'm an expert at this, considering I once was on that plethora o' pills track)
-Organize the calendar for the day/week (ie, who's coming over, etc)
-Drive to work about 1 hour
-Work all day
-Come to mom's and cook, clean, cook for the next day and the next week, laundry, trash, water garden, etc.
-Try to squeeze in my personal stuff
-Do her bills and return messages
-All of the night routines for mom (pills and vitals, etc)
-Crash hard and do it all over again

This week though...things are changing. I am finally...for the first time since August 19, returning back to my apartment. And, don't get me wrong...the rituals are getting easier as I get used to them. I'm a supreme multi-tasker at this point.

I am scared to leave her, but I need to focus on me too.

In the middle of all of this mess, I've been so fatigued that I can barely keep my eyes open. I am starting to feel like my doctor is a vampire because she's literally sucking the blood out of me every week for the last 2 weeks, with the suggestion that I may have some thyroid issue. Perfect. Just what I need. Another health issue.

That brings me to another big problem. Health insurance. Mine runs out on February 1st. And I've been rejected already by 3 different insurance companies here in California because of my pre-existing kidney condition. So, here are my choices:
1) find a job asap that provides health insurance (easier said than done)
2) move back to nyc and get insurance through the freelancers union
3) apply for a government program that may or may not accept me...and fork over a fortune just to apply for a "high risk" group insurance
4) give up my insurance

Well, considering I've gone to the doctor already 5 times in 2 weeks, I think option #4 is NOT an option. Double sigh. But, this is a fixable problem and I'm going to find a way to fix it.

In my "spare" time, I'm trying to remodel and clean up my mother's house. Imagine trying to get rid of 40 years of junk. I'm finding deeds, old photos, thousands of slides (yes, thanks to my photographer dad), bills dating back to the 1960s and tons of other stuff. The family came into town to help me this weekend, because it's an overwhelming task for one person. How is it possible that first, my father left us in huge debt when he died and secondly, that my mom let the house and junk get to this point? I'm just not sure I can handle it all and see it through to the end all by myself. Too much. To be continued...

Well, at least she has a brand new TV, DVD player and kitchen. It's about time.

And then, there's MR with the cancer. She lost it this weekend and I lost it too. I don't know if it was the bald head. I don't know if she finally just showed her first sign of weakness. I don't know what it was. But, it was hard. I feel like when she's strong..I can be stronger to help support her. She is trying to stay positive...but, obviously...it's tough. Well, when she starts doing chemo once a week in December, I'm heading north for a couple of weekends to help her out. NS is awesome, but I think the poor guy needs a little break. I know what it's like to have emotional overload and no time. Plus, I'm happy to do, if I can squeeze out more energy out of me.

Just trying to hang in there as best as I can. I've just about hit my emotional, mental and physical limit. I think that means it's time to start thinking about myself and taking care of me. But, I'll still always put others before myself.

CLEARLY…I AM MISUNDERSTOOD…

During this whole “crisis” in my life, I’ve just been doing what I have to do. You don’t think. You just do. It’s something I would do for anyone whom I truly love. But, for some reason, people are looking at me wide-eyed. Surprised about me, I suppose. Which leads me to a very important question?

Why am I so misunderstood?

My uncle is so “impressed” with my take-charge attitude during this very stressful period. Is he so shocked that I know how to do anything? And, a friend of my mother’s told me over the hospital bed -- while my mom had tubes coming out of her from every which way -- that I am not a practical person. What defines “practical” exactly?

I mean…everyone around me is just sitting around dumbfounded and asking me…”what are you going to do?” “How can I help?” But, they’re just sitting around. Stressing out, I guess. Not actually DOING anything. So, of course I’m going to DO something. I’m not helpless.

This all made me think. What kind of impression am I actually giving off to people? It’s clear that many people just don’t get who I am. In fact, I can probably just count on one hand people who really understand me. And, that doesn’t even include my family. I told that same friend of my mother’s that I think people see me as someone who I am not. And, she said… ”Well, you’re blonde. You’re pretty. You like to have fun and go party and travel.” And, I said: “SO???” I mean, what is your point? That everyone thinks I’m a dumb bimbo? I guess so.

Even a longtime friend of mine said to me not long ago…”well, I just don’t see you doing hard news. I think you’re much more the entertainment type.” Really? I couldn’t care less about the latest Lindsay Lohan fiasco or other Hollywood starlet debacle. For the last 8 years, I’ve only covered politics and breaking news. It’s all I know and it’s really what I care about.

To be completely honest, I don’t really care what people think of me. But, I am wondering why it is that I’m giving off some weird impression of myself. Obviously, people think that I’m an airhead. Maybe, that I don’t have any depth. It just goes to show you that people just don’t really know me. And maybe I don’t actually let people really get to know me.

Well, let me tell you something. There IS a lot of stuff people don’t know about me. And, just to scratch the surface… I bet they don’t know that I moved back home to help take care of my dad for a year before he died. I bet they don’t know that I got scholarships to colleges like Berkley and some other California schools. I bet they don’t know that I busted my ass to get 2 degrees and worked 3 jobs just to make ends meet in college. I bet they don’t know that I help my mom pay her bills. I bet they don’t know that I got 2 scholarships for grad school. I bet they don't know that I turn off the water in the shower when I'm conditioning my hair becuase I'm trying to save water. I bet they don’t know that I got a pretty decent stipend for my abroad program in grad school. I bet they don’t know that I write thank you notes for every single solitary present I get from someone. I bet they don’t know that I’ve only been in love twice. Again…that’s just scratching the surface.

And, it’s not that I’m one way in public and different in private. I’m a realist. I say it how it is. A true New Yorker in that sense. There was never a person who said I was fake. That’s definitely not the vibe I’m giving off. I think it’s just all about perception.

I guess I shouldn’t be so surprised then, that the guy from a few posts ago, never really got to know me, or that he even wanted to get to know me. THIS is a fact. He probably, like everyone else, assumed I am one way rather than really digging deep to get to know me. And, truthfully, I may not have been my true self around him. That’s only because I really liked him. Still do. Love him, that is. For pete’s sake, I STILL get butterflies when we talk. But, that’s another story altogether.

Bottom line: I am misunderstood. And, maybe I always will be. I guess that’s ok. It’s just something I never figured out until now.

ROUGH TIMES, BUT NOT IN THE CLEAR...YET

Overwhelmed. That's the only word I can think of to describe exactly how I feel.

People (shockingly!) have been reading my blog and have been messaging me asking..."So, what happened? Where are you? How is your mom?"

So, the last 3 weeks...here goes:
-Like I said, I got my mom transferred to USC (go Trojans!). She gets in and she's in surgery early the next morning. Quadruple bypass surgery. The longest 6 hours of my life. Well, the surgery was long. But, it literally was the LONGEST day of my life. I stayed with my mom until 10pm the night before. Went home. Ate and drank a lot of wine. Woke up at 4am, to get there before surgery. Long morning. Long day. Intense pre-op in the surgery waiting area. And, the constant "code blue" on the PA system at the hospital during the surgery. The worst. Waiting. It just sucks. She had complications, bleeding complications. So, the following few days were very hard.
-But, long story short...she was moved out of the ICU and into a regular room and now, home. 2 weeks ago tomorrow. And, I have to say, she is getting much better. There are still some issues and I'm still worried of course, because we're not totally in the clear, but I am hopeful.
-It's been hard on her. yes. But, it's been overwhelming to me. There's that word again. It's just so much. Too much. I'm finally managing. Turns out the doctors require her to have 24 hour care, but insurance doesn't cover that. So, what do I do? I start taking the 24 hour care into my hands. I take care of her in the morning and at nights. And, I get some of her friends to cover during the day. I've created a system. Crazy system. I mean, I have to go to work and pay the bills. So, I have to find people between 9am and 7pm. Definitely a challenge sometimes.

So, I'm doing the schedule. I am "nursing" in the morning. I organize her prescriptions and doctors appointments, physical therapists, home nurses. I am dealing with the insurance and the bills. Her bills, my bills, all bills. Would be great to just hire someone full time to help out, but we don't have that kind of cash. I am trying to manage her apartment building. I'm dealing with her job and bosses. Her disability benefits. Her paycheck. Oh yah...in the middle of all this...I forgot to mention....I found out that none of her "affairs" are in order. My name is not on the house or anything else she owns. There was no power of attorney or directives. I had to scramble the night before the surgery, calling all of my attorney friends and notaries to figure out a quick fix...just in case. So, I'm taking those matters into my own hands and working on a living trust for the family. An official one.

Well, that's it in a nutshell. You just do what you have to do. That's that. You don't think. You just do.

Overwhelmed or not, one thing is for certain and I keep saying it to myself every day. I am so lucky that I am living here in California. Lucky for many reasons beyond my family because (really, it's the best place in the world to live). But also, because my timing with my mom's health issues could not have been more perfect. I have to say, my timing usually sucks. But this time, it was just right. And, while I complain consistently about my non-job job, I am extremely lucky to have had it during this time. Not only for the consistent paycheck, but also because it's not a "real" job and it gives me the flexibility to do what I need to do during these trying times.

Someone told me not long ago that you have to just kind of ride out the wave, even if it threatens to knock you down. So, I think I've already hit the rough waters...and, it seems that so far, I haven't drowned. So...I think I can handle riding out the rest. Well, at least I hope I can.

EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON

It's the one saying I truly hate. But, I have to say that it rings true for me. Especially now.

Dark days for me in these last few weeks. First, my childhood friend's mother dies suddently.

Next--I found out my best friend has breast cancer. Stage 3. I'm trying to keep it together, but I ask...WHY? WHY? I mean, she's 34 years old. Why? And, she has great boobs, I might add. She has to do chemo for the next six months. I'm crying just thinking about it. I wouldn't wish chemo on my worst enemy. I had to do it for my kidney issues a couple of years ago, but not to the cancer patient degree. I can't imagine anything worse. My heart is bleeding.

And, speaking of hearts...my heart is heavy right now. I've been stuck in Palm Desert for the last 12 days. I was supposed to be here for a fun weekend, which turned into a very scary time for me. My mom was rushed to the hospital and was admitted with respiratory failure. Turns out, she has pneumonia. There's nothing worse than seeing a parent on a breathing respirator...tube down the throat and all. Just awful. I sat there for 5 days while she was completely sedated...out cold.

Finally, she comes out of it, they take out the tube and then, we find out she had a heart attack. I'm thinking we're in the clear...nope. Turns out she has to have open heart surgery because 7 of her major arteries are blocked, at more than the 70% level. I'm not sure how much I can really handle. And, I'm freaked out at this point. Trying to stay positive, but I honestly do not know what I would do without her. I'm currently in the middle of transferring her over to USC medical center. With the help of some old friends, I have her in the care of one of the top cardiothorasic surgeons in the country. He actually was Gov Schwarzenegger's cadiac surgeon. Ironically, now that I think back...I just saw him when I was having lunch with my mom on my birthday a couple of weeks ago.

Anyway, that's where I'm at. But, I have to say....there is a reason why things happen and I'm not sure why. But, after I have heard the "everything happens for a reason" phrase repeatedly over this past year...I realize...thank goodness that I am in California and NOT in NYC. I would just die if all of this happened while I was 3000 miles away. I would definitely quit my job. I would do just about anything for my family and with this going on...I would just never forgive myself if I had to go back to NYC. So...my NYC plans are on hold for now...temporarily.

The timing of all of this is very weird, especially considering that I have been in serious talks with Peacock Productions in NYC. It would be my dream job. But for some reason...fate is making me stay here in LA for now. And, I'm not about to test fate.

So, all I can do is stay positive, and hope for the best right now.
I guess maybe everything DOES happen for a reason.

I'm starting to accept that.

ANGRY LOVIN'

Just recently had a big 36th birthday bash and it was great! But it got me thinking about my love life. Have no idea why, but it did.

And, it makes me angry. Not angry at the guy that just broke my heart in a million pieces this year. But, angry at myself that I let it happen and play out the way it did. I know I'm stronger than that. Clearly, I was blinded by love. Or, at least what I thought was love.

I really liked this guy pretty much from the day that I met him. I have liked him for the entire 3 years I've known him. And, somewhere along the way, I fell in love (and, subsequently, did a lot of stupid things). I would have pretty much done anything for this man. It's rare that I fall this hard. And, it turns out it was one-sided all the way. I'm not sure I ever want to feel this way ever again.

This year, he told me that he didn't love me the way I loved him. He said that we just had too much in common. Really?! Personally (and, I'm sure most people would agree)...I hope to find someone that I share interests and values with. It's the fundamental common values that are important in building a strong family bond. He was so scared that I was in love with him. And, I flat out...sitting on a NYC stoop...told him that I wasn't in love with him. I lied. I still love him.

Trust me, I have cried about this all year,until now. Now, I'm just angry at the way I allowed him to treat me. And, all of it goes back to one thing: HURT. And, it's my fault. I let that happen.

Examples:
-He was intimate with me, but telling my friends within earshot that he just hasn't met the woman whom he wants as the mother of his children.
-He moves to NYC right after I moved back from there. It's the city I just wasn't ready to leave. The same city he said he would never live in. So, why did he do it?
-He treats my friends well. He takes them out. He calls me to tell them he's taking them out. He pays for them. Yes, seemingly nice. So, what happens when I come to town? Well, he barely wants to hang out and he stiffs me with a $150 bill.
-He shows off his new girlfriend to my friends. No great reviews from them, but that's not the point. I hear all about her from them. But, I talk to him hundreds of times in between and there's no mention of her. I say: omission is the same thing as lying.
-He says he wants me to meet the new girlfriend. What the hell for? He says she's jealous of me. One word comes to mind: why? Don't make me feel like the bad guy here.

And, I don't just think he's hurting me. He's hurting women in general. Somebody must have really f'ed him up in the past. I don't know what he's telling this new chick to make her "jealous" of me. But, it's just mean...to her. And, he's sitting there telling me that inviting her back to his hometown with her 2 year old kid is going to be a test. What kind of man would say that? I'm sure she would be thrilled to know she was being tested. Don't get me wrong...she's no dummy. She knows that she needs to find a daddy for her kid. So, she's going to power it out. He's not a bad guy per se. Maybe just doesn't know better. But, all of these actions just seem pretty shallow. I wonder how he graded that "test."

The best part, I think is that he thinks he really knows me. But, when he told me a short while ago that I'm the girl who likes to stay at hotels like the Four Seasons...I just had to laugh. This guy doesn't know the first thing about me! I've never even thought to stay at a Four Seasons hotel. Honestly, I wouldn't waste the money. If fact, the only time I ever stayed at a posh hotel like that was with him! And, it wasn't even my idea. Lesson learned: some people will just never want to get to know who you really are.

While I sat here loving him. He just ended up hurting me. I am stupid. I feel used. Love is stupid, I guess. But, I will not allow him to hurt me or use me any longer. Besides, I have a lot more important things to worry about right now anyway. It's funny how sometimes your life gets turned upside down and it just makes everything else so much more clear in your mind.

So, I'm angry yes. And, what did I do except for love him unconditionally? Nothing. I did nothing wrong. And, I'm just now realizing I'm not the one with the problem. So, while I may be angry...it's not at him. It's more at my weakness. I still love him. I will always love him. But, I must say...it has helped me figure out what I DO and DON'T want in a partner.

So, now...focusing on much more important matters at hand.

THE PLAN IS...

...well, the thing is...I don't really have a plan.

I'm sending out resumes in NY, LA and DC. (Leaning of course, towards NYC).
I'm planning trips based on my current situation, which means if I get a real job...I'm going to have a REAL problem.

Currently on the agenda: I'm definitely going to Palm Desert with the girls in August. I am definitely going to St Maarten with BF and NP and our families in November for my mom's birthday. I am definitely (hopefully) going to Puerto Vallarta with my mom for Christmas. And, I'm definitely positively no-matter-what going to Barcelona for New Year's. Those are all the definites (with tickets bought and hotels/apartments reserved).

So...with all of these trips planned thus far...who will hire ME? So, I'm thinking that I should still just coast until after the New Year with my current job. Don't get me wrong...if the opportunity of a lifetime comes my way, I will NOT pass that up. No matter what!

But then...I think. I am still on the west coast and there are a whole lot of places I should take advantage of while I'm still out here. And, especially if I'm serious about making a move back to the East Coast. If only I had an unlimited supply of cash. Sigh. Well, I know for certain that I would like to make it up north to San Fran. I've promised MR I'm coming up and I have a number of other friends there to visit. Also, NP is going out there in September, so I'd like to make my way up that weekend. Then, there is LM who is in Seattle. A perfect opportunity for me to oyster up and get some clean fresh mountain air!

There are invites to Boise and Phoenix. But I just can't do it all. And, it would be really great to hit up Hawaii once more before heading back to the cold, if that's what's in the cards for me.

At this moment, I am the most cash-poor that I have ever been... at least, in the last 5 years. And unfortunately or not...I've caught the travel bug. Frustrating. My childhood friend is packing for Maui as I write. My girlfriends are frolicking in the sun in Jamaica. My boss is in Cape Cod. I have a friend who just got back from Scandinavia. Two friends also were in Cannes and London just recently. Another friend is going to Sweden and Iceland. And yet another, is going to Rome for just 5 days! JD has been hopping around South America for about 6 months...she is my inspiration, really. So..needless to say...I have a longing to hit the road right now. Instead...here I am...in front of the tube, on my computer, sitting tight at home eating Swedish fish and drinking an Australian Cab.

The Rome situation (which I clearly have never mentioned before on this blog) is still a possiblity. It's a branding opportunity with a new client. But, I'm trying not to get my hopes up. I feel like at the moment, it's a pretty remote possibility. And, the way things are going on the job...likely, NOT a probablity. I'm not going to get into it, but the job would require me to live in Rome for about 4 months, maybe more.

I'm at this point in my life. A crossroads, so to speak. I've been working very hard in my field for the last 7 years. It cost me my health. I'm now taking a break and physically, I feel amazing! Before that, I worked my booty off...starting from the bottom up and working my way up in a number of fields. I've had a million jobs since I was 16 years old and I am an extremely hard worker. A slacker, I am not. Currently, I am single with no kids. My heart and soul have been a little crushed this year and I'm sort of at that "in between" stage where I need to decide: where do I want to settle down, potentially meet someone and start a family. It's that time. Almost. I'm at that age. I'm not 22 anymore, but I'm just not ready to settle down right this second. Maybe never. Who knows. And if I ever do settle down, I need to make sure that my guy is just like me in that he is more than ok with traveling the globe with me at a moment's notice. That, he loves to eat. And, that we just get along. Pretty simple on my end. And, that if we do end up have kids, he is ok with carting the babies around the world. I mean, my parents did it when I was a baby and I turned out ok. I just blame them (in a good way) for my wanderlust.

Right now, I need an experience. Just one experience. Something really big. And, without sounding totally cliche: I think I need an eat, pray, love moment. Or, something similar.

I've thought about saving up enough money where I can just buy a 365 day ticket around the world and hop all over every continent for one year! Just 1 year to do what I love: travel, explore, eat, relish and take in new cultures, write, write, write and just live my life to the fullest. I don't want to wait to do that until I'm retired. I want to do it NOW! I know some people would say I need to grow up. Some would even say I'm an escapist. Ok. That's fine. Call me what you want. I say I have a zest for life. And, I'm pretty sure I'm not cut out for the traditional settle down/family/kids routine. Sure, it's not conventional. But, I want to be unconventional...at least once in my life! I don't care what anybody says.

And, I feel like this is the perfect time. My job is just THERE. It's a paycheck. I can't seem to find a new one. Or, I am just afraid to jump into something because I'm not sure where it will take me. We all know, I'm already beating myself up over my last decision to move back out to LA.

And no matter what...there's no way I can ever just be spontaneous and say, to hell with everything! I really need to think about this: I need to have enough money to travel. I have a health issue that, in reality, could really cut my trip short if something goes wrong. I have to pay a fortune for health insurance. My family will be worried about me. And, I have to make sure that I have a general plan for when I come back...to reality.

A friend suggested to me the other day that I should just pick up and live somewhere like Tokyo or something. But, I don't want to do that. I have a home I can come back to. In fact, I have 2 homes: Los Angeles and New York. I just want to travel. I don't want to move somewhere. Moving from place to place won't make me happy. But, jumping around from place to place to explore, WILL make me happy. Side note: this is the same friend, who thinks that I would only be happy staying at the Four Seasons. Ummm...when have I ever stayed at the Four Seasons? Oh yeah...Once. And, it wasn't my idea. If you REALLY know me, you would know that while I would LOVE to stay at the Four Seasons every time I travel, it's just not my thing. Not only because I can't afford it, but also because I'd rather get a real cultural experience. As long as the place is clean and has running water....I'm in!

I know this all sounds like some kind of dream. The challenge is trying to make it a reality and trying to make it work. I'm not stupid and I won't jeopardize my finances, my health, my well-being, or a possiblity for a future career. While this all sounds lovely, I know what I need to do. And, if this little dream of mine just happens to fall in my lap...I promise to make the most of it.

Time to start thinking.

I LEFT MY HEART IN...

...no, not San Francisco.

Just got back from another jaunt to NY. And, it's official. I miss it and want to move back. Why? I just don't understand. I guess I'm just a NYC girl at heart and dammit New York: You got to me!

Ok, ok. To be fair. The weather was horrendous. I do NOT miss the 112 degree humid temps in the summer. I do not miss the non-central air in pre-war apartments. I do not miss the disgusting smell of summer. And, I do not miss the sight of rats on the subway platform.

But, I do miss my friends.
I miss the restaurants.
I miss the energy.
I miss walking.
And I miss my life in NYC.
There. I said it again.
I think I need to stop going there and making myself miserable.

Mostly, it was great. There is just this one element in NYC that makes it sort of foreign for me. An element that wasn't there when I lived there, but kind of meshes my two worlds. In short, I met with someone there -- a California-trying-out-NY-person for a hot minute who really just didn't fit into the picture of MY New York. It kind of threw off my perfect weekend. You know, it's funny how sometimes...the more you get to know someone, the more you realize they don't really know you at all. It's kind of also what I've been realizing about myself. The more I am getting to know me...the more I'm realizing that LA doesn't really know me.

Overall, the weekend was easy. I had an amazing time with my surrogate family out on Long Island. Good food, good friends, good laughs. And back in the city, it was back to normal. Good food, sweaty days, new bars, friends coming out of their shells all to see me. That's just it! My incredible NY friends made me feel welcome back in my hood. It's something my California friend didn't make me feel at all. Very un-California-like, I'd say. With my NY friends: I ate, I drank, I lived, I reminisced, I complained, I sympathized and I laughed. I really just miss them. A lot. (Can you tell that I LOVE food?!)

Don't get me wrong. I have the most amazing friends in LA. And, I love them too. But, I feel like a little piece of me here is just missing. And, I'm not sure what to do about it.

For now...I'm just going to cherish the fun week I had back in the city. And, in the meantime, I hope that LA will get to know me. And, I plan on trying to get to know it a whole lot better before I make any decisions about making another move.

But...shhh...I am sending out my resume again back east. Just in case.

THE BOWL IN ALL ITS GLORY

I'm talking about the Hollywood Bowl. Yes.

It's been awhile since I've been...and I must say...it is fabulous!
Probably one of the best venues in the world. No, THE best musical venue in the world.

I've traveled around quite a bit and I can honestly say, there is nothing like it. It's the first time I've been in this city in 10 years at the beginning of the season. June 18th. I was there. Opening night. I can't even honestly remember the program, but I remember the fireworks. (Well, also because my friends are the pyros at the Bowl).What I do remember though well, is that it was a beautiful night: stars in the sky, sun setting well after 8pm, some cheese, some wine and good company. Oh, and great music! You kind of get lost in the concert when you take in the atmosphere at the Bowl. I forgot how great it can be.

And, wait. It does get better. Just one week later and I'm there again. Abba fest. Not the real Abba. But the best Abba cover band from Sweden right now. And, they were great. But, I'm pretty sure my Svenska friends would cringe. Anyway, I loved it. LA is filled with all kinds...and they're not afraid to show off. It's like NYC in a way, but much more uninhibited, if you can believe. Men in drag. Girls with pink hair and cowboy hats. Just fun!

But, this particular night was special. "Take a Chance on Me." Right before the start of that song...the band roars into the mike..."This song is dedicated to LH." LH?! That is my friend from high school. I'm actually going to the Bowl with her tomorrow. Now THIS is a Bowl fanatic. She goes to a ton of concerts each season. And, she loves it. She lives it. And, I think it's great. I digress. And, at the end of the song...the band member says: "I hope she said yes!" Kudos to NT! Clearly, he proposed to MY childhood friend in front of thousands.

Long story short, when I asked about it the next day, the story goes something like this. He met her at this concert last year. No, he is not gay. It was through mutual friends. That's why he decided to propose...one year later. But, I have to say this is by far, the most romantic true show of love. He didn't just say: I love you. He screamed it! And, he's subsequently ruined it for all other men thereafter. He planned (of course) to bring a giant banner that said "TAKE A CHANCE ON ME." But, get this: he tried to contact the band beforehand to get them to dedicate this song. Unsuccessful. But a colleague of his overheard what he was doing and decided to take the reins. And, succeeded! Taking a stand for love! You gotta love it. It doesn't happen often.

I've been to the Bowl now 4 times since the season started mid-June. The music is fantastic. The atmosphere is out of this world. It's romantic. It's magical (not in the hocus pocus way). Things happen there. And it IS Los Angeles. If you haven't been yet...you are missing out.

I don't plan to miss out again. Even if I don't end up in LA.

THE JIG IS UP

Well, not quite.
But, I AM coming up on almost one year here in LA.

There has been a lot of anger. Anger over thinking that I made the wrong decision. Frustration that I'm not doing what I want to do. Helplessness and so many other feelings based on so many things in the last year so far. But, I've finally let that all go. It's like a light bulb went off. And, it just went off today. I'm not exactly sure what triggered it.

In the last several weeks, I've come across many people who have told me things I've already heard before. This time though, it really got me thinking. Thinking in a good way.

"Everything happens for a reason." Yes, yes. I have heard that by many. But, for some reason, the person who said it to me this weekend, actually made me believe it.

Then, there's the new motivator in my life. This person is incredible. Fresh and wide-eyed. And, I'm realizing that motivation is contagious.

And, encouragement....this has come in many forms. I'm feeling the loyalty across the board from people who I know really care about me.

Ok...I know this all sounds very vague. But, it all leads to a point here. The point being...I'm focusing on ME. And NOT in a selfish way. On what I WANT to do. Not what I NEED to do. I don't know where I will end up. Whether I stay here in LA or head back across the country, it's a decision that I will have to make. And, I will OWN it!

I had been feeling sorry for myself on so many levels. Playing the "woe is me" card. But, I gave that card away this weekend. No more tears.

It's all about knowing who I am and who I am not.

I am real.
I am realistic and I refuse to live with my head in the clouds.
I will always tell it to you straight.
I am motivated.
I am inspired.
I am smart and I won't apologize for it.
I will never pretend I'm someone that I am not.
I do not brag.
And, I don't think that I'm better than anyone else.
I believe in hard work.
I believe in fate.
I belive in passion.
And, I do not belive in magic (HP or any other kind).

Decision time is coming up soon. First though...there will be another NYC trip. No doubt it will have a different feel than the last one.

The light bulb went off today and I'm dimming it for the night.
Plugging in a new one from here on out.

And, THAT is a good thing.

I MISS NYC...

THERE! I said it. Fine, I admit it.

I just got back from my jaunt back east and yes, it was hectic. Just how it should be. NYC style.

Do I want to move back? Not necessarily.

Will I have to? Quite possibly. Will I regret it? Maybe yes, maybe no.

I was sitting at the airport bar and this guy sits down next to me. Antsy, nervous, dressed in a suit..typical workaholic New Yorker. (I can say that because I'm an ex- workaholic New Yorker). I ask him if he's heading home. Yes, he says. He's had a hectic week working some fashion event. Apparently, his family owns a brand of jeans and he's the marketing director. "What about you?" he asks. I tell him my story and he says, "I figured you live in Cali...you look happy. Not miserable like us." I look happy? Really? I haven't exactly been feeling so happy. I'm not miserable, but 'happy' would be a stretch. Next thing I know, he's introducing me to all of his friends and colleagues. Some guy on the plane says, "Hey, are you Olga? Nathan told us all about you!" Did I get his numba? No. NO? No. I know.

First stop off the plane? Blue Ribbon! Oysters, steak tartare, some bubbly and NP. Could not have been a better night!

Then, the rat race set in. Visits with friends and new babies, walks in the park, doctor's appointments, run-ins with old co-workers, meet-ups all over town, MOMA and Neue Gallery, and friends congregating from places near and far in NYC. I felt like I never left. My landlord said hi to me like I still live in the building. My bathroom amenities are still all lined up in the same spot underneath the sink. And, the best part was I slept in my old room. Just like old times. Except...I DID leave. Now what?

For 6 days, I was living the life I would like to live in NYC. But, it's just not realistic. I mean, sure, JS is living this fab life for a few months there in NYC. It's the way that I would want to do it if I could. And, he's one of the few lucky ones. How great would it be if I could live downtown in a phat apartment with a view? I think about how nice it would be once again to sit at my favorite restaurants with my favorite people and then, top off the night at the coziest wine bar in the the Village. Sure. I could have that again. And eventually, I could even get that apartment. But, I would have to bust my buns to get what I want. New York is about really hard work and then, partying like a rock star as a reward. That's just how it is. And, it's exhausting. After that, there just isn't a whole of time to enjoy what NYC has to offer. So, if I can't live life in the fab lane in Manhattan, I would rather just come and visit and enjoy it for what it is.

But, circumstance is going to dictate what happens next. I have to think about my career and my future. And, if that means I have to move back to be able to make a living, then so be it. I'm not going to cry about it. I just know what to expect. And that's a lot of hard work. If I had a choice, I'm not sure what I would do. But, circumstance will be the driving force for what's best for me.

Earlier, I said that I wasn't necessarily happy. But really, I'm content. I'm relaxed. And, I know that California has done me good, so to speak. I needed the break. I realize that now. But now, it's just about that time to start busting a move again.

Another thing I have to admit...NYC brings out a lot of emotions in me. I had the best of times there and the worst of times. I've left behind some of my best friends. And this trip really brought it home. In those six days, I felt excitement, disappointment, joy, exhaustion, confusion, innocence, sadness, animosity and love. It was a mish-mash of complicated internal struggles dealing with my career, my friendships and my relationship with this city.

In the end, it was bittersweet. There I was...standing in the middle of the street, saying goodbye to N and J and crying...crying because I wished I could just stay there with them and live my life. But, not my old life.

The city had knocked me down and I still loved it. I felt defeated.

I still feel defeated. I still love it.

One thing is for certain. If I do end up coming back, I won't be patching up the wounds. I'm determined to come back and start a brand new relationship with the Big Apple. One, that won't ever allow me to feel defeated again.

HEADING TO THE BIG APPLE

2 days and I'll be back in NYC.

Just for a vacation. 5 days of craziness and fun and reunions with all of my friends. It will be the first time since October and I'm actually really looking forward to it. I have a lot planned and it will be just like old times, sort of.

The point is...lately, I've been thinking a lot about moving back to the city. It's been a train wreck for me here in LA thus far, so understandably I've been down in the dumps. There are so many things factoring in to how I've been feeling. I can't even get into it. And I have to say thank you to all of my friends here...they have been beyond amazing. I'm really not sure what I would do without them.

Last week, I met up with an old friend. That friend and I had a serious heart-to-heart. And, the talk got me thinking. The conversation went something like this. "What do you really want to do?" "I'm not sure. I feel like I'm all over the place right now." "Well, think about what you really want to do and focus. Focus on that one thing and it will happen for you."

Focus. That's just it. I lost my focus. I was all over the place because I lost my direction. I know what I want to do. And I KNOW what I'm good at. I'm a writer. That's what I've been doing for the last 8 years. It's what I've been paid to do and it's what I love. And, I'm not just any old writer. I write for TV and I love it. I've always loved it. And, I lost focus of that.

I remember when I first moved out to NYC, I wanted to write. So, I took these awful jobs (in New Jersey!) in the TV/news biz, just so that I could finally get to do what I've always wanted to do. I moved around shows so that I would get a chance to write. And, guess what? 2 years after working my booty off...I was finally writing for a show. Then, I was hired at Fox as a "writer"! My dream job! I worked so hard to get to that point. So, for 2 years, I had a great job, great hours and great pay doing exactly what I wanted to do. The show got cancelled...it was politics season, but I was still writing. Then, I got an even better job...head writer! The problem? Bad hours. I had some health issues to deal with at that point. Had I worked myself so deep in the ground, I thought? It's like...I got what I wanted and then, I had to deal with a lot of problems along the way. And, somewhere in the middle of all the chaos...I lost my focus. I was thinking about my health. I was thinking about a boy. I was thinking about everything BUT what I should have been thinking about. I was so distracted and I threw in the towel and moved back west.

I can't look back now. I did what I did. And, that's done. You can't take back your actions. I know. I can only learn from what I did, even if it may have been a mistake. Hard to say at this point if it was a mistake or not. I think it was...but, a certain important someone just reminded me this morning that it wasn't necessarily a mistake. So, maybe it wasn't. I don't know yet how I feel about that. What I do know is that I can't really beat myself up over it. True M. I agree with you.

I've been thinking a lot recently. It's like ever since I got back from NYC. I've been distracted by things that I shouldn't be distracted by and I'm finally trying to get back on track. Here's how I see it. I have a job that pays the bills for now. I have a passion...that's the writing thing. I'm trying to mix the passion with my job. I already had that once, and that's why I'm beating myself up over it. But, without looking back, I know I can do it again. And then, there's my dream. My winery. I would love to do that while pursuing my passion on the side. But, that will take some time. I know.

For now, 2 steps back, 1 step forward. Working on that one step forward again...and I know I need to just focus. It doesn't matter whether I'm in NYC or LA or DC or wherever. I know that I just need to pursue my passion. And THAT is what will make me happy. A city won't make me happy or unhappy. (Although, knowing me...I won't move to a tiny town. I'm a city girl...so, that's where I plan to be). And, while I don't necessarily want to move back to NYC, I'm keeping that door open. Whatever will get me back to my passion. If I can find it here in LA, then so be it. If I can find it in DC, then that's where I'll go. But, I need to focus on the what rather than the where. And FOCUS is the key.

For now though, I'm laying low. Keeping the focus and giving LA a chance for a short while. It's a great place to be and I'm lucky to be here. And, I don't have to worrry about the rat race. But, if it's better for me to be back in that race, that's where I'll have to go. The options are open for me. I just need to keep my eye on the prize, so to speak. And hopefully, pursuing my passion is part of that prize.

Let's hope.

For now...I'm going to enjoy Manhattan, without having to worry about going to work and running from point A to point B. I am going to have fun. Determined to have fun without any responsibilities. Living for the moment. My purpose this weekend is to have fun! And that's the short-term plan.

EVERYTHING IN A BIKINI...

Only in LA.

It all started this weekend when I decided to try out my green thumb again. Went to the nursery, picked up a bunch of flowers and herbs and veggies. And, to my surprise...I forgot how much I love gardening! It's relaxing. My other yoga.

I was telling AK that I was gardening in the front yard in my bikini. And, we started this whole thing about how everyone should do everything in a bikini. That's the new motto for the summer. And, why not? It's easy in LA when the weather is sunny and 80 every other day.

As I was digging up the dirt in my bikini...one of my neighbors came over and told me that I would make a good wife. Why, I think? Because I'm in a bikini? AK says, why yes! Every man wants to watch his wife prance around in a bikini. It's funny because I've never even really thought of getting married. Not that I don't want to, I just don't dwell on it. And besides, there have only been 2 men thus far I would have even *considered* marrying. Plus, if and only if I decide to tie the knot...it will be one time and one time only. The first guy was my first love. He's married and chubby now. Happy, I suppose. The second is complicated...private.

I digress... back to the bikini basics. I decided to go home and cook in my bikini, clean in my bikini and plant veggies and herbs in my bikini. AK may have something going here...It's quite liberating and fun!

Kudos to the bikini! We're bringing it back..with a vengeance!

NY CALLING...

Today...I must admit...I am really missing New York City. And, there's one and only one reason right this second...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NP!!!

Sorry for the midnight call tonight, but I wanted to be the first one to wish you a happy birthday! It's the first one in 7 years that I haven't spent with you. And now I'm crying like you did that day last summer when you packed me into my cab before I left for Europe.

I'm trying to think of all your birthday celebrations over the years. I can't remember them all (oh, except for the fact that they all lasted like a week to one month). Only you! Last year's Vegas was the big one! I think the year before that, I took you to Blue Ribbon. Yes! And, I wasn't drinking. That's right. Oh, THAT year sucked. And then, do you remember the year we discovered Kittichai? I have not been the same, ever since. That may have to be a lunch when I come to visit. So many memories at that place. Wow! I'm sure there was one year in there that we were undoubtedly working. Ayayay!

I wish I could be there with you this year to celebrate. But, I think we're going to have to change this mini-off-the-track trend. I plan to spend the next one with you no matter where we end up in the world!

I will be toasting to you tomorrow night and know that I'm there in NYC in spirit! If I could transport myself for 1 night, I totally would. But, I'm sure my LA friends (many of whom are all your friends too now) will toast a couple of cocktails -- and we'll make it a bubbly -- in your honor.

Was there a Tao or Sushi Samba dinner too? Well, who knows...we may very well end up in the same city again next year. LA, NY, Rome or wherever else fate takes us. We shall see...

Happy Fucking Birthday!
It's t-minus 2 1/2 weeks until we really party it up!
oh...and a present to come...hopefully, soon...
(and no, it's not in the form of a "do the mexican")...
my little maria...
But, I'll make sure to bring the tiara.

LA LIGHTS

There are a lot of things I had forgotten about LA.

The other night I was invited to an awards ceremony at the home of the French Consulate by a very old friend. She's pretty much a Los Angeleno the way that I am an Angeleno. But, she is helping me get reacquainted with this city, reminding me what it has to offer.

An evening filled with French natives and francophiles reminded me of my youth at Le Lycee de Francais de Los Angeles and the french language brought me back to my elementary school days. Can't say that I'm a fluent speaker, but a little practice couldn't hurt.

After the event, we walked down the quiet tree-lined street. I looked up...and I really was kind of shocked to see stars. I know that sounds weird. But, NYC did not have this. Sure, it had a skyline full of artificial lights...but this LA sky was lit up by the moon and the stars. I clearly saw Orion for the first time in a really long time. It reminded me when I was in 8th grade, taking some astronomy class. And, it reminded me of going outside every week with my dad who helped me decipher and draw the constellations for the class.

We ended up at the Polo Lounge for a drink. I digress for one moment. I LOVE the Polo Lounge. It is such an LA classic. I cannot get enough of this place. It's the only place I wanted to go to during my LA weekend jaunts from the East Coast. Honestly, I love the pink and green. So cheesy, but so LA! Beyond being a beautiful place with lush gardens, it holds a lot of Hollywood history. But, more than anything, it reminds me of those late night dinners in high school after Cotillion classes. For those who do not know, parents forced their kids to go to cotillion to learn how to ballroom dance. Personally, I loved it and thanks to cotillion, ended up teaching ballroom dancing and salsa for a little while in college.

The drive home that night...uneventful...heading north on the 405, late night when no other cars are on the freeway and then--I saw the LA lights. It's that downhill section on the freeway, right before you hit the boulevard and the valley. I forgot how much I missed seeing those lights. And, I must say they are pretty spectacular. In a way, it reminds me of those lights you see when you get to that final stretch driving from LA to Vegas. But better.

I've missed so much. I missed Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf's iced blended vanillas. I missed the incredible sushi that doesn't cost of a fortune. I missed the yummy tex mex real Mexican food. I missed these sunny days and temperate weather. I missed the way that everyone is always so friendly and open. I missed the year-round outdoor activities, including BBQ's. And most of all, I missed my family and all of my friends (who incidentally, are just starting to figure out that I'm back in town).

So much missed. And, I'm definitely not taking it for granted this time around.

NEW PLACES, OLD FACES

Yes, I have changed over the last 9 years since I first left LA. But, let me say...Los Angeles has had a much bigger transformation than I have!

Thursday night really opened up my eyes to some of the new goings on in the city. Downtown LA Art Walk. Apparently, it's on the 2nd Thursday of every month. But, first -- when did downtown become the new hip place to hang out? It used to be skid row through and through. Don't get me wrong...we did pass tent city. But, they are NICE tents...no more of the homeless living in boxes like they did back when I was a kid. I digress.

So, the other night I met up with AS, LH and AK at the Art Walk. Have not seen those girls in more than 10 years! And, we've all known each other since we were 12! We grew up in LA, left LA and here we are...all back again. So, it was really nice to catch up...as if no time has passed at all.

There are a bunch of galleries all along 3 or 4 streets in downtown, along 5th, 6th, Olive and Main...and a couple others beyond. I wouldn't say all of the art is the best I've ever seen, but they're housed in pretty cool venues. Kind of reminds me a little bit of the Chelsea galleries in NYC, but less pretentious. Some of the artists sell their works, others just exhibit it. But, they're pretty accessible and open to talking to you about their pieces. All mediums...photography, acrylic, watercolor, you name it...they got it. We stumbled upon the Neon Museum...must say...it warrants another visit in the future for sure.

After a little bit of culture, we headed to one of the numerous bars in the area. Las Perlas -the new tequila bar. Much too loud for what we were looking for, but cool nonetheless. I just kept thinking...I wish they had all of these spots back when I was at 'SC. Wouldn't that have been convenient?!

A.S. had another bar in mind...kind of off the beaten track...past tent city, right behind the Biscuit Company Lofts..basically off Skid Row. Toni's...in the middle of nowhere...literally. But, walking in...well worth it. Not sure how I felt about the giant steer head on the wall and the pseudo confederate flags...but, a definite whiskey bar feel. Old school. Very Chicago-style and quiet. Perfect for our purposes. Between the cheap wine, whiskey sours, manhattans and lemon drops...a night of great conversation. (I'm sticking to the whiskey next time around).

Back to art...the scene in LA fits the city's personality. NYC goes by a work hard play hard attitude. LA goes by a word hard, then relax attitude. I feel like the art scene goes along with that...not quite as intense and competitive. I'm not into the who's who...could care less about the name dropping (quite common in the NYC art scene). AK I'm sure has a different outlook on it since she grew up in the scene here. But, I quite like it and am curious to learn more about it.

Well, it seems that people are finally realizing that I'm back in LA and it's fun to get back in the groove. I'm excited to explore more of what this city has to offer...things that didn't really exist before I left. And, I'm excited to get re-acquainted with all of my old friends. Friends who are exposing me to the fun things that I never knew about before. It's about time.

TO POST OR NOT TO POST

Ok...after much thought and a LOT of comments from my friends...I have decided reluctantly to take down one of my posts.

"That's a little harsh..."
"How would you feel if you read that and knew it was about you?"
"Does your friend read your blog?"

Just a sample of comments from my friends. I believe in freedom of speech, but there IS a fine line between writing and venting.

In a nutshell, the post was about a very special friend. And for anyone who knows me well and knows some of the stuff going on in my personal life, they KNOW who this post was about. And, if this friend read the post, they surely would know it was about them.

It wasn't stuff I haven't told this friend before. But, my intent is not to hurt, not to lash out and truthfully, in a way...that's what I was doing. My friend and I have been through a lot. If I have something to say, I decided I'd better just tell it to my friend straight. Just between the two of us.

Taking the high road this time around.

FROM RESTAURANTS & BARS...TO ORGANIC LIVING..SORT OF.

I wouldn't exactly call myself organic. I mean, I am still a party girl at heart.
But, I think I'm actually growing up. Finally!

Now that I'm back in LA and California for now...I'm trying to live the good life, the healthier life, the so-called "organic" life. And, I've had some hits and misses.

Yoga: check!

Cooking at home: check!
Well, half a check. I'm still a foodie and want to explore good food. It's a funny thing here in LA. There is a whole sub-culture of food. And, the most interesting part of eating out here isn't going to that restaurant run by that amazing chef...it's exploring the different neighborhoods and what they have to offer. I mean, there's Koreatown and Korean BBQ. There's Thai Town. Who knew? It's pretty interesting. But, I still have time for all that exploring. For now, I'm going to try to save up my pennies and cook away! And, shockingly...I'm starting to really like it. If only I could get used to the super high heat of my oven, which keeps burning the crap out of the top of everything I put inside it.

Dinner parties: check!
Ok...truthfully...this is only a 1/4 check for me. I've still been partying it up like a rock star here. Easy to do, of course since I just had 7 years of partying in NYC. But, I'm trying to move more toward moderation. NYC doesn't have that word in its vocabulary. Nothing is about moderation there. But, I have to admit, I have been invited to more and more dinners at friends' homes and house parties. And, get this...I quite like it. So, the goal is to move more from the bar scene...to the home scene.

Fresh foods: check! Check!
And, just this last weekend...I went to Farmers Market in Venice. So much fun! AK has always been a healthy person...outdoorsy, sun-loving, healthy-eating etc. It's amazing she lasted on the east coast for as long as she did. And now, she's pregnant. So, that means even more healthy eating for her. I joined her at the market and it was so much fun! I took home a ton of veggies. And that's a good thing...my doc has ordered me to go lean on the protein and heavy on the veggies. (Not to worry...I won't become a vegetarian anytime soon). But it was such a nice experience, I just can't wait to go to more markets in the future. And, it's cheap too!

Bottom line...organic living is a much more adult way to live your life. And this is a good thing for me. Don't get me wrong, I will always have a little zest for the fun life and I'll be sure to get the ants out of my pants, so to speak, when I'm on vacation. But, when I'm back home, I'm going to strive for being as organic as I can possibly be.

I guess I'm learning how to savor life a little bit more, rather than just devour it in one gulp. And when I finally have my own winery someday, I'm going to invite my friends over to help them savor that life too.

SANTA BARBARA WINE COUNTRY

Last weekend, we took a quick jaunt to this city, located just one hour north of Los Angeles for BW's birthday. Wine tasting was the name of the game. Obviously, I had been up there a bunch of times over the years, but this time was different. I don't think I ever really noticed how beautiful it is. I went wine tasting last year actually, but I'm not sure I took the time out to notice the beauty of the surrounding hills in the Santa Ynez valley. Lush, green and just plain unique. Maybe the wine was getting to me. But, I really started to wonder what it would be like to live in a place like this or any other wine-soaked region in California.

The day with the girls was incredible and I must admit, BW was on a mission. A wine-drinking mission. I just couldn't keep up. What was it...5 or 6 wineries in a span of 4 hours? We're talking about 4 women, laughing like it was going out of style, dirty pictures and conversations that can't be printed here. (Thank you DH). Think Sideways. We even went to the Hitching Post for dinner. But,it's all fun and games while the drinking goes on...but, the next day calls for a pounding headache.I ended up staying at the quaint Santa Ynez Inn with a friend and we literally, could not move the next day. Clearly, there is such a thing as too much wine, especially for 30 and 40 somethings.

But, everything in moderation is good. And, I still believe that mantra even after that blurry morning. I mean, I've always wanted to open up a winery. And, it's still a dream for me. I must admit...I don't know a whole lot about wine, except that I like to try them and enjoy what makes each one different. (Wish I had that same attitude about men!) But, I know what I can do...and that's marketing. I've been told that I'm a genius in that department. In fact, I've been told that, only I would be able to sell ice to an eskimo! Nice compliment IM!

Plain and simple...I just need the cash. Said friend mentioned above is actually moving away from Santa Barbara. He's looking to invest in something, but I'm pretty sure that winery isn't in his plan for now. It's too bad because at this point in my life, I'm looking to get into something different, something new. But unfortunately, it looks like I'll have to fall back on what I know best, which I guess would be TV and writing temporarily. Well, for the moment.

I'm sure most people who know me think hey, what's this party girl at heart going to do living this quiet life running a winery? Well,I've thought the same thing. But, as I get older (and more mature, thank you)...I'm starting to enjoy the quieter and more organic life. (Ok my friends, I know you just fell out of your chairs after that comment). But, moving away from the hectic, fast-paced life back to California has done me good. I cannot tell you how many people have told me that I look younger, fresher, rested and just overall, happier. I've found yoga and peace. Maybe I'm just growing up.

Don't get me wrong....I'm still that same party girl with that travel bug underneath it all. And, I will (of course) jump at the chance to visit my old stomping grounds in NYC or travel to new places around the globe. But, whether work or a new venture take me near or far in the short term...California is now and will always be my hub.

RAIN RAIN GO AWAY...

Come again another day...

Well, maybe I shouldn't wish for that explicitly because it really will come another day... and likely next week! It's been one solid week of torrential downpours here... thunder, lightning, the works! I mean, come on people...is this what I came back to LA for?

I must admit...California has been in dire need of rain. So, this is a good thing. I remember growing up here and the word "drought" was mumbled every other day on the local news. Yawn. Conserve water. Turn off the shower while you are soaping your hair, etc. So, I guess I can't complain. We need the rain. But, trekking out in this kind of weather just isn't what you would call easy. Especially for a car-centric city like Los Angeles.

On the flip side...I have to compare this to what I've been through in the last 8 years and you couldn't pay me enough to move back to the midwest or east coast (unless of course the salary was too good to refuse) . Let's see...winter, spring and summer in Chicago. I remember freezing ice in my nose, a black and blue ass from slipping on the ice, unbearable winds, plus muffled and humid summers. Summer and Fall in Paris...ok, but unpredictable. Fall in London...not one day without rain. Washington DC in the winter and spring--worst snow storm on the east coast the year I lived there and lots of humid rain to follow. And then, there was NYC for 6 years. Mostly, freezing and when it wasn't ...it was hot and raining. In fact, I can think of 2 summers, where there wasn't one dry day and that includes the summer I left. I like to think it was city crying because I was leaving.

That said, I need to stop complaining because I've got it pretty good out here in California. It will always be beautiful here and THAT never gets old. I like to wake up to sunshine (on most days). And if I were to ever move anywhere else, it would have to be nice and warm and sunny.

California rain--I say to you...keep the tears flowing for now. But, make sure you pour it all out and stay behind that sunshine for the rest of the year.