Shit. Fuck. Those are the first words that come to mind. And yes, I am feeling a little sorry for myself. Damn. Not again.
Let's rewind to 2008. Anyone who knows me well, knows my pain. Literally. Without getting too personal here, it's happening again. I have to deal with the docs and the hospitals and the drugs. And this time, I'm more frustrated than scared. Up until yesterday, when my new doc told me something really scary. I refuse to feel sorry for myself. But, today..I just sat in my car and cried. More out of frustration. Really.
I have a friend from grad school who tells me the other day she knows exactly what I'm going through. Umm, girl...I tell you now...you are MUCH stronger than I am. She is going through hell. I mean, serious hell. I cannot imagine what she is going through. But, she's a tough cookie. She'll make it. We both will. But, more than anything right now...I think about her and know she will make it. Because if she doesn't...nobody can.
The ironic thing about all this crap that's put a dent in my life right now is that I actually have good things going on too. My best friend sounds better and the cancer is, I think, gone! Fingers crossed. My aunt's cancer is out and she is going through radiation. My mom is feeling great after her heart scare last summer. One of my closest friends from college just moved back to LA. My NY bestie is coming out here in a couple of weeks. I am appreciating my new LA friends. And, I have a new someone in my life who inspires my creativity and has sort of tapped into a side of me that hasn't seen the light of day in a really really long time.
My job is more mellow (likely because they are feeling sorry for me right now). In fact, they just sent me out to NYC for work. While I had the most amazing time...I felt absolutely no desire to move back. For the first time EVER! Just that feeling of...been there, done that...not going back. It's kind of that feeling you have when you know you would be taking a step back, not forward. Can't look back...in the way that I was looking back.
I have a lot more to say. But, I can't do it here. There is a lot to say. But, for now...I'm staying mum. One day at a time.
But, guess what? I'm singing again. I know that may scare some people. But, I actually shocked myself tonight. No, I don't really sing. But, I broke out of my shell...and belted out a little bit...(in the comfort of my own living room). Felt really good anyway.
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