CLEARLY…I AM MISUNDERSTOOD…

During this whole “crisis” in my life, I’ve just been doing what I have to do. You don’t think. You just do. It’s something I would do for anyone whom I truly love. But, for some reason, people are looking at me wide-eyed. Surprised about me, I suppose. Which leads me to a very important question?

Why am I so misunderstood?

My uncle is so “impressed” with my take-charge attitude during this very stressful period. Is he so shocked that I know how to do anything? And, a friend of my mother’s told me over the hospital bed -- while my mom had tubes coming out of her from every which way -- that I am not a practical person. What defines “practical” exactly?

I mean…everyone around me is just sitting around dumbfounded and asking me…”what are you going to do?” “How can I help?” But, they’re just sitting around. Stressing out, I guess. Not actually DOING anything. So, of course I’m going to DO something. I’m not helpless.

This all made me think. What kind of impression am I actually giving off to people? It’s clear that many people just don’t get who I am. In fact, I can probably just count on one hand people who really understand me. And, that doesn’t even include my family. I told that same friend of my mother’s that I think people see me as someone who I am not. And, she said… ”Well, you’re blonde. You’re pretty. You like to have fun and go party and travel.” And, I said: “SO???” I mean, what is your point? That everyone thinks I’m a dumb bimbo? I guess so.

Even a longtime friend of mine said to me not long ago…”well, I just don’t see you doing hard news. I think you’re much more the entertainment type.” Really? I couldn’t care less about the latest Lindsay Lohan fiasco or other Hollywood starlet debacle. For the last 8 years, I’ve only covered politics and breaking news. It’s all I know and it’s really what I care about.

To be completely honest, I don’t really care what people think of me. But, I am wondering why it is that I’m giving off some weird impression of myself. Obviously, people think that I’m an airhead. Maybe, that I don’t have any depth. It just goes to show you that people just don’t really know me. And maybe I don’t actually let people really get to know me.

Well, let me tell you something. There IS a lot of stuff people don’t know about me. And, just to scratch the surface… I bet they don’t know that I moved back home to help take care of my dad for a year before he died. I bet they don’t know that I got scholarships to colleges like Berkley and some other California schools. I bet they don’t know that I busted my ass to get 2 degrees and worked 3 jobs just to make ends meet in college. I bet they don’t know that I help my mom pay her bills. I bet they don’t know that I got 2 scholarships for grad school. I bet they don't know that I turn off the water in the shower when I'm conditioning my hair becuase I'm trying to save water. I bet they don’t know that I got a pretty decent stipend for my abroad program in grad school. I bet they don’t know that I write thank you notes for every single solitary present I get from someone. I bet they don’t know that I’ve only been in love twice. Again…that’s just scratching the surface.

And, it’s not that I’m one way in public and different in private. I’m a realist. I say it how it is. A true New Yorker in that sense. There was never a person who said I was fake. That’s definitely not the vibe I’m giving off. I think it’s just all about perception.

I guess I shouldn’t be so surprised then, that the guy from a few posts ago, never really got to know me, or that he even wanted to get to know me. THIS is a fact. He probably, like everyone else, assumed I am one way rather than really digging deep to get to know me. And, truthfully, I may not have been my true self around him. That’s only because I really liked him. Still do. Love him, that is. For pete’s sake, I STILL get butterflies when we talk. But, that’s another story altogether.

Bottom line: I am misunderstood. And, maybe I always will be. I guess that’s ok. It’s just something I never figured out until now.