LIFE IS LIKE A BOX OF CHOCOLATES

So, things on the "mom front" are getting much better and I couldn't be happier about it. My life, on the other hand, is (sigh) hectic, to say the least. I think I'm due for a break. Well, I can only hope.

My days have gone something like this for the last several months:
-Wake up 2 hours earlier than normal and get myself together for work
-Wake up mom
-Help her shower and get changed if she needs help
-Help with her hair and makeup
-Take her glucose, blood pressure, heart rate, temperature and weight
-Make her breaksfast and make sure she's taking all the right pills (yes, I'm an expert at this, considering I once was on that plethora o' pills track)
-Organize the calendar for the day/week (ie, who's coming over, etc)
-Drive to work about 1 hour
-Work all day
-Come to mom's and cook, clean, cook for the next day and the next week, laundry, trash, water garden, etc.
-Try to squeeze in my personal stuff
-Do her bills and return messages
-All of the night routines for mom (pills and vitals, etc)
-Crash hard and do it all over again

This week though...things are changing. I am finally...for the first time since August 19, returning back to my apartment. And, don't get me wrong...the rituals are getting easier as I get used to them. I'm a supreme multi-tasker at this point.

I am scared to leave her, but I need to focus on me too.

In the middle of all of this mess, I've been so fatigued that I can barely keep my eyes open. I am starting to feel like my doctor is a vampire because she's literally sucking the blood out of me every week for the last 2 weeks, with the suggestion that I may have some thyroid issue. Perfect. Just what I need. Another health issue.

That brings me to another big problem. Health insurance. Mine runs out on February 1st. And I've been rejected already by 3 different insurance companies here in California because of my pre-existing kidney condition. So, here are my choices:
1) find a job asap that provides health insurance (easier said than done)
2) move back to nyc and get insurance through the freelancers union
3) apply for a government program that may or may not accept me...and fork over a fortune just to apply for a "high risk" group insurance
4) give up my insurance

Well, considering I've gone to the doctor already 5 times in 2 weeks, I think option #4 is NOT an option. Double sigh. But, this is a fixable problem and I'm going to find a way to fix it.

In my "spare" time, I'm trying to remodel and clean up my mother's house. Imagine trying to get rid of 40 years of junk. I'm finding deeds, old photos, thousands of slides (yes, thanks to my photographer dad), bills dating back to the 1960s and tons of other stuff. The family came into town to help me this weekend, because it's an overwhelming task for one person. How is it possible that first, my father left us in huge debt when he died and secondly, that my mom let the house and junk get to this point? I'm just not sure I can handle it all and see it through to the end all by myself. Too much. To be continued...

Well, at least she has a brand new TV, DVD player and kitchen. It's about time.

And then, there's MR with the cancer. She lost it this weekend and I lost it too. I don't know if it was the bald head. I don't know if she finally just showed her first sign of weakness. I don't know what it was. But, it was hard. I feel like when she's strong..I can be stronger to help support her. She is trying to stay positive...but, obviously...it's tough. Well, when she starts doing chemo once a week in December, I'm heading north for a couple of weekends to help her out. NS is awesome, but I think the poor guy needs a little break. I know what it's like to have emotional overload and no time. Plus, I'm happy to do, if I can squeeze out more energy out of me.

Just trying to hang in there as best as I can. I've just about hit my emotional, mental and physical limit. I think that means it's time to start thinking about myself and taking care of me. But, I'll still always put others before myself.